DAY 1 of 31
I wanna’ write so bad. But, I’m scared. So… instead of writing about how I’m highly intuitive, hyper-sensitive, and very creative; who can feel you when you cry and I’ll cry with you—for you—I will just stop describing myself right now and just focus on tonight. Rather than sharing that I fist bump my car door after I lock my car to double-check that it’s locked, I will talk about tonight.
Day 1 of the 31-Day, 500-Word Challenge
Tonight, I’m so tired. I didn’t treat my mind or my body with much love today and yeah, I am a bit disappointed in myself. Loving myself. I really gotta’ keep working on that, but I’m taking on a lot, I think. But, if I keep postponing things, life will pass me by. But, I am so tired. I really am. I woke up so early, skipped breakfast and drove to my 1.5 hour commute drive to a job in another city. It’s exhausting and no matter what time you leave, you will always be late, on time but never too early. Just a little bit, and that’s it. Thankfully, we had free bagels, so I had some of that, smeared a lot of cream cheese on it, literally thanked God and I sat at my desk and munched on that while working. This isn’t healthy, I know, but it’s just for now, just for today, just for this morning… just for this moment. Whatever gets you through. One day at a time and if not, then one minute at a time, and if not that… one moment at a time. Lunch was coming up, and I forgot to grocery shop the night before so I had the vending machine to check out but there were some left over bagels, so I had those instead. Smeared some cream cheese and sat at my desk and worked. Yes, unhealthy, I know… but just for now. Just for this moment. I just needed to get through the day. Our boss asked us to come early, so I had to get in at least 30 minutes early. I try to get in earlier than expected, but no matter what I did, or tried to do, it wasn’t getting any notice, not that I want any, but some appreciation would be encouraging. But, who cares. As long as I’m doing my job, and being productive. Then, I’m good. So, work was done. I got in my car and headed through traffic…
…and here I am, struggling to write because I’ve missed literally years, almost, actually yes, a decade-ISH of time wasted of not writing. Imagine if I didn’t stop blogging? No time for regrets now and I almost didn’t write tonight. I’m starting all over again and even though I’m starting back up, the fear is real. I’m just scared of everything. But, I really want to write, I just want to type, write, pour my heart out. I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense. I don’t care if it’s grammatically incorrect or there aren’t any fucking big words. Fuck is a pretty big word. Shit is another one. Flying fuck is my favorite. I mean, these are cuss words and I allow myself those because that’s practically my only vice anyway. That, coffee and white wine? I’m done with nicotine, marijuana was a great phase… but I’m over it. I’m ready to move on to the next phase and that’s writing, art… and don’t forget music. I’m working from the inside and then out. I’m already thinking of how I’m going to physically transform myself: running, gym, … the sky is the limit, baby! Ha… yeah, right. We’ll see. I hope I can keep this up. 31 days. It could be the commitment that scares me. Or… I don’t know. You wanna’ know how many attempts I did today? Four. Yes. Four fucking times. I typed 800 words and then deleted it. Typed again, and then poof. Then again and then gone… and then last, I published it on tumblr… no less than 5 minutes I was getting anxious, and I deleted it. Because I was scared. I haven’t done this in so long and I already know why I want to do this. I’m just waiting for the right time and hopefully my trip over thanksgiving will give me some time to let all the knowledge that I’ve been writing about blogging, writing and reading sink in so I can solidify what my purpose and calling is, my niche, my platform is all about in terms of blogging. There’s so much shit in my head that I don’t know where to begin or how to start so I try to write about how my day went or what I’m going to do tomorrow, or what I did yesterday, or how I’m feeling right now, or why do I feel this way, or that way, or…. There’s aaaaaalll these possibilities, all these ideas… and I want all of them, every single one of them to EXPLODE. I want to come out, but in a beautiful way. In such a way that you would want to join my club.
So, for now, one day at a time. If not, then one moment at a time… and remember. No need to react. Just respond. Or do what’s beyond… Rise.