Do you wanna’ get hospitalized? Who does? I don’t think anybody does. It’s so uncomfortable, you’re automatically homesick for anything and anyone, and you’re cold, lonely… plain sad.
But, if that’s what it takes to nurse you back to health, then why not. But, that’s the thing. If you don’t watch out and don’t listen to you body and your mind, whether you have a mental illness or not, you’re going to break down. Your body and your mind will catch with you. Stress doesn’t happen over night. It sneaks up on your like shots of tequila or like my noobie dumb ass did when I first drank tequila, I sipped that Tequila as if it was whiskey instead of downing that thing like a thirsty marathoner. *shakes head* Stress sneaks up on you and for me, it almost did but I know better now because I’ve had enough failures and mistakes to remind me as to where I’m at. I’ve come so far and worked so hard to get to where I’m at and so it wouldn’t be fair to me to compare my life, the struggles to someone who is more successful than I am. It’s the blog before this one. I sort of compared my life to someone who was very successful, or is, than I am. I could have, would have, blah blah blah, but I’m going to cut myself some slack. It’s never too late: blah, blah, blah, blah, blahtty blah blah blah. And so, I’m very grateful to have a couple of nights to chill, stay up and rebel by surfing, writing blogs and then sleeping in the morning, then waking up to ask my honey to make me so really good authentic Starbucks cawfy, and my muffin is on its way and to just start writing first thing in the morning rather than waiting in the evening. I love writing. It’s so much fun. Free-writing or stream of consciousness. Now that, I’m good at. Editing, proof-reading will come later. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care if anyone is out there listening, or anything about the future. I’m set. I know what I want and I now the ingredients for it: patience, perseverance and never ever quit again. I could have been advanced. I have the potential but my ass couldn’t just buckle down and unquit. I could use my bag of nuts as excuses, but now, I don’t really have much of an excuses because I’m finally stable, I’ve got the right cocktail mix—even though I still think that my nurse practitioner over-estimated my anti-depressant but it’s okay because I’m always feeling like, what’s next, on the go go go go go! It’s great, but I just have to use mood regulation when I get irritable when there’s nothing to do but sit and wait. It’s the waiting that pisses me off…
So, it’s really nice to recuperate because the past 3 days, though the week was short, it was hectic at work. Who the fuck would want to be responsible with thousands, hundreds and thousands of dollars that isn’t your money but the banks and other serious folks out there? Like, I was literally responsible for it. We have a team that work together on it and even if it wasn’t just me working on it, I don’t want to deal with money that isn’t mine and if you fuck up, the whole team is fucked, too. It was a lot of fun, but I didn’t like the high demands. Now, if I lived closer, then I wouldn’t care being there, even at 6:30am, but not matter how early I got up, the traffic would always bite me in the ass. I used to enjoy driving there, but all these people that cut me makes me want to ram my front bumper to their back bumper and tell them, “Bitch, you better pay it forward. If you don’t thank me, pay it forward, bitch.” Then there are some that I don’t mind at all because they slowly creep up with their blinker. That, I’ll make the effort because they wave right afterwards and it feels as good as donating something to Goodwill. Cut me off? Then, I’ll race you to cut you off too. Its not even that, though. I’ll go past you and get back in that lane and I don’t care if you pass me again and get a few cars a head of me, just as long as you stay the fuck away from my face. I hate that shit. No biggie. Then, I get to work and then it’s crunch time towards the end of the month because it’s crunch time. It is what it is. I’m very grateful to have a job, but amongst racists, ignorant stigmatic, stereotyping scared shitless to people with mental illness, I think the worst ones out there are brown nosing back stabbing, insecure, short girls. I can’t stand those. If you back stab me, don’t talk to me. Just don’t. It’s a done deal. I don’t care. We don’t have to be friends. Go ahead and keep talking shit, but just don’t bother talking to me and being nice to e. It’s okay. Just keep it real. I don’t know what’s worse, brown-nosing or if it’s ignorance, but if you’re brown nosing in front of your co-workers, it kinda’ shows how thick-skinned you are about it and inconsiderate you are compared to someone who is ignorant and unkowledgable or misinformed about mental illness or different cultures, do you know what I mean? So, I had to deal with that. And I had to deal with not having a lunch break. We could have an hour lunch break. That was AWESOME. Free parking. Another AWESOME. But, I really had to get it in because it was very stressful during the end of the month. So, here’s the part where I’m telling you that, if you don’t watch out, you could end up in the hospital. You have to always, in every moment—I don’t think second—I think, in every breath you take, you must be very mindful and tell yourself, “are you okay? How are you? Energy level? Hungry? Sleep? How much? Eat?” The basics. I always ask the basics. Did you poop? Anything that leads to discomfort. That’s really important because it affects your mood!! If these interruptions affect you, then it’ll affect your productivity and will just affect your stress even more! So, I skipped breakfast on Wednesday, didn’t have lunch because I forgot to bring my tv dinner (I know, I’m still working on that), so I just had our left-over bagels (yummy though) and then coffee. I got the work done but I also didn’t get my average 8-9 hours of sleep which is important to have… SLEEP is everything. Especially if you’ve been an insomniac for most of your existence. So, I knew what I was getting into and what I did. So, I am very grateful that I am now in bed, with my laptop, pouring my brain and dumping my thoughts into free-writing. I feel better. I’m getting stronger. I’ve eaten, pooped, slept well these past couple of nights/days, so… just becareful… and be thankful that there are mistakes and failures… for without them, we’re FUCKED. We’re back in the uncomfortable, sad, hospital… there is comfort there. Even though it’s cold, bright… the nurses, the medication, the meals, the support group…. Those are all helpful… but you gotta’ leave the coup eventually. You know? But, more on that some other time. For now, sleep, eat, water, poop, and be kind to yourself when it’s the time of the month. AND, don’t forget to meditate at least 5 minutes a day. Paint. Sing. Write… if you are who you say you are. Then, DO. BE. YOU.
No react. No response… Rise from within. RISE.
Unedited free write session
Word count: 1,330