Still trying to find my voice…
Hi, my name is Kel, I’m Kel of Duty.
I’m afraid to write and publish my thoughts, but I hunger to express my mind.
To write is to admit.
So far, so good, today. Because my NS (nurse practitioner) jacked up my anti-depressants for 50 mg, I’m productive. The first 3 weeks of adjusting to them, I was very anxious, bitchy and had a desire to scratch someone’s car for taking my parking spot, but thanks to DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) practices, I was able to pull my Wise Mind and tell myself that they are not worth it; that I was the bigger person, and the only thing I should have regretted was not saying was, “Pay it forward…” Pay it forward, bitches… But, it didn’t stop me from sliding my hand down their car on my way back to my own car. RISE, Kel, RISE!!! *nods* Yeah, med adjustment can be a character-building experience. So, I try to cope. I am currently using meditation practices, and since I usually start and never finish things, I’ve decided to track and log things such as 30-day and 90-day experiments. Meditation for 90, and motivational talks for 30. Next up, Family Guy for December—upon My Honey’s request. Prior to all of these, my very first one was mind-numbing: Keeping Up With the Kardashians. I know. I don’t know what I was thinking. It was brainless and I wanted to see what my brain would come up with. However, I did crave for intellectual stimulation because that show was just so fucking DUMB, started listening and playing music and I got into writing again… sooner than later. Now, I have 12 months before me. I have 5 years before me. 10 years before me… those are a lot of 30-something days of fun experiments and challenges. I’ll be pre-contemplating. They’re going to revolve around my well-rounded wheel which consists of: mental, spiritual, financial, physical, career, intellectual, social, etc. It could be anything. 30-day wear make up a certain shade for 30 days, sell something on ebay daily or post it, make a smoothie for daily for 30 days etc, and then once the challenge is done for the month, I readjust it and put it into my lifestyle. That’s the only way I can think of because if I just decided to announce, “Today, I am going to be a smoothie-head forever!” What does that mean? That’s like stating that I have a dream that I want to come true, but with no specific goals and plans. Where’s that gonna’ go? And, will it ever come true? And, that’s a huge reason why I decided to include motivational speakers as a 30 day challenge: to motivate me to make my dreams into reality. For meditation, I made it 90 days, because I am serious about doing this for life. The health benefits are countless: anxiety decreases, emotional stability, more creativity, you’re more connected with your intuition, have a peace of mind, problem solving, etc. You’re able to talk to yourself and confide in yourself about problems like you would to a friend of yours. “What should we do about this problem?” “I don’t know. Give me a sec.” Then, you just start finding all these solutions for different options. Even just five minutes of meditation every night. And, my favorite part… you become more mindful of the present. When you are in the present moment, there is no past, no future, no fear of the future, no wanderings of the past, but just being in the present—still and at peace. I guess this is what I mean about loving myself. I’m going to add as many coping skills as possible along the way. I have a whole print-out list I got from the Residential Treatment Place (I’ll name it Oasis) and want to apply those while I grow into my blog.That’s one of my goals for having a blog. To recap, I would like my blog to grow with me in terms of different aspects of my life. Not just my mental health, but physical, financial, career… everything; that I am more than just a person with a brain disorder. I am someone who is more than capable of being independent and able to reach her dreams and turn these dreams into reality. This is who I really am. As for these other blogs that are random. That’s just me chatting away… if I’m serious about blogging, then this is who I am… this is my voice. This is Kel of Duty. (yeah baby yeah…) oops… heh. So, no matter what happens, no matter how hard it gets, if you follow your heart, and love yourself, you will find the strength to never give up. You will find yourself RISING… because as Les Brown says… “I will never stop… until … I WIN.”
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