No, I do not have schizophrenia. Yes. I do hear voices, but only when I get stressed out. They leave once I get back my health. If I don’t do the following:
Get my period
Everything basic in reference to Maslow’s Theory
… and then too much caffeine
There is potential that I may end up in the hospital. I’ve been enough times to know when enough is enough.
I have Bipolar with mania. Add stress to that and one of the major symptoms that I have dealt with are auditory hallucinations. My life would be so, so, so much easier if I didn’t live in fear if I was going to “hear voices” today or tomorrow—depending if I met all my basic needs for the day or how much I have taken on in reference to my stress level. But, I can’t help but wonder, maybe it’s God’s way of taking care of me? Hey, I’m not a born again fanatic Christian that I once was. I don’t judge. You can be whatever religion (or no religion) that you want to be but I have always been a Christian. And you already know me, I cuss and shit but it doesn’t mean I don’t believe in something of a higher power. It is better to believe in something… than nothing. Faith is a beautiful thing. Anyway, it’s like an indicator. I’m hearing shit again, time to chill out and color a mandala. Fucking voices are here again. Time take a long ass bath. Time to sleep. Time to cut down my to-do list. If I didn’t have these as my symptoms, I can only imagine the things I could be doing. So, I guess, my fear isn’t just getting laid off? It’s the fear of having auditory hallucinations. The thing is… it’s fine to have ‘em because I know they’re not real, but they feel REAL. Outside and inside my mind. And the things they say SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME. They’re mean. They trigger my PTSD. They make me cry. They hurt my feelings and worst of all, they tell me that nobody cares about me and that I should just kill myself. But they all know That I will never, ever, EVER kill myself. Even they know that. These hallucinations seem real, but I would never kill myself because I believe in God. I have strong faith in God… therefore, I always say, I choose to live. I will to live. When I become suicidal, my team of professionals know and when I’m in the hospital and on high alert, no matter how suicidal, I will always speak up and say, “I choose to live. I will to live.” Because I do want to live. Suicidal thoughts aren’t me. They’re my illness. They’re not me. I am not bipolar. I have bipolar. Your illness does not define you. You define you. You have power over everything within you because you have greatness in you. Calling 911 is greatness in you. You have that power. In my case, I knew exactly how to take care of myself. My symptoms were out of control. Suicidal thoughts are part of the chemical imbalance. I knew exactly what to do. I called for help.
Even my auditory hallucinations tell me that I’m paranoid. Here’s the weird part. They care. They actually care about me, but in a mean way. They’ll teach me things, like how to be considerate about other people’s feelings and how to walk like a lady or to be original but then they’ll turn around and say mean things. They know my weaknesses and trigger my stressors until I cry and then they’ll tell me to kill myself. See, I need to take really good care of myself so I prevent having auditory hallucinations so that way, I won’t have to hear things like these and end up at such a vulnerable position where I’m in this lost state of mind. Thank God for hospitals. Thank God that I know when to call for help and when it is time to go to the hospital. I always delay in calling them because I feel it’s a failure in life, but I have learned that if that’s what it takes for me to learn, then so be it. Hospitalization after hospitalization. Recovery after recovery and finally, journey after journey derived from one milestone to another milestone, thanks to my theory of One Day At A Time, I am finally here. And, that is why I believe that it is God’s way of taking care of me. It’s him saying, “Hey, take it easy, or else you’re going to have auditory hallucinations. I don’t want you ending up in the hospital again.” And because of this, I made the most out of my stay from the hospitalizations. I learned as much as I could from the groups, the community meetings, my residency stay at the Oasis (treatment center transitioning from hospital to the real world), and from volunteering in non-profit organizations. So, that is why I have mixed feelings. I can’t help but wonder what it would be like not having hallucinations to keep me in check. Or just no having any mental illnesses. What it would be like to just hear a door slam and not feel anger, just to shrug it off and move on in a second. What would it be like to not have… well, actually, I’m doing really well. I really am. It’s just the fear of my auditory hallucinations. The rest, I’ve been able to manage… because of the support group of my team of professionals but I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to not have a bag of nuts. I would have the freedom to move to any city, any state and not have to worry so much about health benefits. I could just pick up… and leave. No worries. Just pick up and leave. And maybe God knows this… He knows that I’ll just go manic on my ass and spin out of control and end up sick so He decided, bam, hallucinations. Take it easy, Kel. You’ll get everything you want, you can spoil yourself with everything, all and more with what you want. You will… all you have to do is work hard, take it one day at a time, and be very, very, very patient… and have a little faith in Me.
And remember… don’t down stoop to anyone’s level. Be the bigger person… and rise beyond the situation.
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