DAY 23: BLOW SHIT OUT OF THE WATER

Thank you notes for the 3 rounds of job interviews for the best company in the whole wide world. ❤ So happy. So Merry Christmas to me. 🙂


I just got back from making me some Pumpkin Spice Latte. Good shit. It’s this German instant coffee, but it’s legit brewed 100%. It has a great, super hit and no crash, and then I mixed it with some fatty milk (none of this 2%, 1% percent bull shit) and my Spice Latte creamer. I love Starbucks, but this tastes even better and I just saved myself 5 bucks.

I finally dropped off my thank you notes for my 3 rounds of interview to 4 of the interviewers for the company that I’ve been wanting to work for (for years). I can’t believe that I made it. I surpassed all those other candidates. “I can’t guarantee you the job but I can tell you that you are one of the top candidates. You made such a great impression on our team lead that we would like you to come in for our interview to meet our Design Manager.” Not only that. When I was done with my last interview which was with the Design Manager, she asked me if I had a few minutes to meet the VP. I had no water and my mouth was dry so I was literally swallowing dry and choking on dry. That’s the only way I can describe. It was pretty hilarious but I was nervous as FUCK. And now… It’s finally here. I made my dreams, one of them come true. This one is a huge one because the last time I’ve ever made my dreams come true and KEPT IT, was… never. I can’t really think of one right now. That will be a good blog to write about. My Haney is a dream come true but I’m talking about achievements. Hm… like not ever at the moment. So, this is my Christmas present for myself. And… I’m scared shitless because it actually came true. My dream came true. Now, I’m scared. What’s next from here? I know what to do because I have my One-Day-At-A-Time-SMART Strategy in place, but it still scares me. I’m grateful but at the same time, I’m scared because the past 3 years, I’ve been laid off, turned down by so many companies that I’ve interviewed for and then, finally, here I am… but, I think I know why. It’s because I have been rejected. So. Many. Fucking. Times. Do you know what that does to your fucking confidence after years? I never give up and I have the stubborn headed perseverance of a bull, but still, man. My confidence took a knock out from all the companies I’ve interviewed with. Thank you note after thank you note, man. Interview question after trick interview question. Fucking hated those. But, I get it now…without going through the intensive experiences that I went through from the job search, job interviews, hospitalizations and then finally being admitted to a residential treatment program, I wouldn’t have been equipped and prepared thoroughly enough for this moment. And, it’s not just a job or work. It’s something I’m good at. It’s something I’m passionate about. I LOVE what I do and then some. It’s something that can take off as a career.

I’ve gone through so many groups, community meetings, therapy sessions, hospitalizations, and rejections… I am better prepared for this opportunity. Imagine if I got hired by a company that was just so-so for me? I wouldn’t have been able to BE HERE, RIGHT NOW, to accept this job offer… and that’s why I went all out with my Thank You notes. Even my Haney said he’s never seen anything like it before in my life. The front desk office manager in the front said I was so sweet, twice. I made a mini gift basket with little treats in it and then a note in it. First of all, it’s been on my mind. I told myself if they were ever to give me the job offer, I’m making it all out, balls out so I made the gift basket. Second, it was a job interview, 3 rounds of it and I made it through—successfully. I kept it real this time. No bull shit. No pageantry answers with poise and posture, and bull shit. I left that bull shit behind. It worked for jobs that had “pay” in them but they weren’t something I was passionate about. Now THIS, I was so I kept it as real as possible. And third, ‘tis the Season, bitches… Big Bang, bro, Big Bang, whut nao. I told you I would end this year with a big bang. That way, I’ll make a huge ass splash for the incoming new year by blowing shit out of the water. You don’t want to wait until New Year’s Eve to literally start your shit. Do it now. Prep up for it. Pre-heat that oven. Foreplay that shit.

Now, I’m still in shock. I’m still scared… so, I’m going to do some research and learn excel on YouTube and really go through the job description. It’s going to be fun because it’s in the field I want to be in: Graphic Design. Finally. At last. Don’t blow it. If you do, blow SHIT OUT OF THE WATER… and again, finally, I understand why I went through all those failures and experiences. It was to prepare me for this moment. Now, I thank God… and continue to create milestones based from my long-term plans and create these short-term plans by applying my One-Day-At-A-Time-SMART-goals Strategy in my life. Once you’ve balanced out your Mental Health, act as if you do not have a brain disorder, but always be aware that you do. Does that make sense? Like, I’ve mentioned in my blog prior this one: I’m not going to hide it. But, I’m not going to advertise it either…(Got this from “Jessica Jones”) I’ll most probably use this blog for self-improvement.. for the Bipolar. How to reach your dreams for the Bipolar. End stigma? By following your dreams… hmm…

What’s next for this ambitious young woman? 2016. Let’s just take it one day at a time… 🙂

All I know is, I’m finally at a job that I’m good at, that I love and something I’m confident in. I’m really excited. This fear, I will have to embrace and feel it until all thoughts of fear have been exhausted. That’s what Les Brown is for. And, last but not the least. Prayer. God. For me, it’s God. For you? I don’t know. It could be Buddha, Allah, Hercules, St. Augustine, the pope, or the universe… a higher power that you believe in. Just be grateful and give credit where it’s due. For me: It’s God. I get it now. It took a while… but now I get it. And now, I can finally say that I do not regret going through all those hospitalizations because without those and the residential treatment program, I wouldn’t have understood the concepts of what coping skills are, dbt, therapy, medication management, etc… all of these and more to prepare me for this moment so that I can maintain a better and best quality of life. I get it now. If I didn’t get all those rejections from those jobs, end up in the hospitalization from those jobs in Seattle, then I wouldn’t know how to be equipped and prepared for this job. And now that I am educated and enlightened… I know what to do from here both short-term and long-term and with this, I thank God.

And remember… don’t just go the extra mile. It should go without saying that you SHOULD NOT but COULD AND CAN go the extra mile and THEN SOME by BLOWING SHIT OUT OF THE WATER. GO PRO. Do your best… always by what? That’s right. By blowing shit out of the water. One day at a time, bitches… one day at a time… BLOW. SHIT. OUT. OF. THE. WATER.

Word count: A thousand shits in the water

DAY 22: I QUIT

I still don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing with this blog. It’ll eventually come to me, but for now… I write. But, I do have some ideas to it… and I’ve finally crossed one off my list. I’m not going to hide my bag of nuts on my blogs, but I’ve decided that I’m not going to advertise it either so my life is not going to be about my illness anymore. It’s going to evolve when the 31 day writing challenge is over… it’ll most probably focus more on my thirty day challenges and how it’s affecting my life or the lessons that I learn from them. Right now, I’m doing Family Guy. The month before this, it was listening to motivational speakers like Jack Canfield, Darren Hardy and Les Brown, to name a few and before that, the first one that I did was Keeping Up With The Kardashians. It was the worst month of my thirty day experiment. All they did in their show was complain, complain, complain. Complained about each other, complained about their weight, complained about opportunities and they just complained about everything. They complained about things they didn’t have and things that they did have. This affected my thinking. I was ready to be done with it and when it was time to do motivational speakers, I was ready. So, I did motivational speakers and I would listen to them every, single day while coloring mandalas. Not even 8 days in and I was already seeing results. I was back to being grateful to things, accomplishing more, goals were shaved into SMART goals: specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time-sensitive goals. I went through a lot of changes in November that really helped me get through it, most especially because I get depressed during this Season. I was really scared that I would end up in the hospital again because I have in my past for years. I would get my shit back in order during Winter Season and then when April hits, it’s there again. I don’t know if it’s rapid cycling or if it’s just me being careless and not loving myself in a way where I’m not taking care of my basic necessities and allowing my stress to get to me. All I know is, I’m tired of having auditory hallucinations and now that I know how to target them (keep stress to a minimum), then I can focus on my goals. Mind you… NOT DREAMS, but plans, goals, vision mission. Solid shit that I can GET SHIT DONE. Dreams are nice. But they don’t get anything done. I have dreams, but as soon as they’re on paper, they’re not my dreams anymore. They are goals and plans that I follow on paper anymore. I follow my HEART… but yeah, dreams? Ha. Ever since I turned 35 this past year? And my dreams didn’t come true? I was like, fuck this shit, ima make this shit come true and one of them came true and now I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself. I’m scared shitless so I have to make some new challenges. Day to day challenges so I don’t just sit here and do jack shit like I used to do in my twenties. So, enter new year’s resolutions. I’m still thinking about it and in order for me or you to keep them, it’s really simple: Take it one day at a time. That’s my weapon. Actually, stickers help a lot. I print out my calendar, make it a thirty day thing, get some cute stickers and then post it on there. You don’t want to see a day skipped because it looks awesome when you have 7 stickers in a row. It works for me when I am doing my 90-day meditation. I am on my 35th day of meditation already. I’ve skipped a few, but it still looks good. Once the 90 days are over, I’ll have to see what’s next from there. Do I find a meditation retreat? Do I buy a meditation app, like a legit one that you purchase so it has more substance to it. Do I research and have a mentor? You level up. You don’t want to just stay there. And that’s what I’ve learned from… my past. I really reflected and realized that once I accomplished a tiny goal, like I’ve said, I got comfortable and then I would crash and fail. After failure, after failure, after hospitalization, after hospitalization, I’ve finally realized that once you’ve reached that milestone, that goal, that plan, that DREAM that has been written down AS A milestone, a goal, a plan, A WRITTEN DREAM—DO NOT STOP THERE. DON’T. STOP. THERE. That’s what I learned and since my dreams didn’t all come true at the age that I expected it to be, at 28, I’m all balls out now. It’s on, now. It’s never too late to follow your heart, your dreams and make them into a reality because TIME WILL PASS ANYWAY. That’s what Earl Nightingale said. Anyway, I’ve been thinking and I do not do New Year’s Resolutions but if you want to do one, make it easy. Do what I did. I said “Never to poke back anyone on Facebook anymore.” I’ve been successful because it’s so easy. If you don’t know how to find a resolution, make a five year plan, pick one out of your wheel: financial, physical, mental, health, intellectual, talent, emotional, partnership, family, spiritual… and then stick to it. How? Calendar that shit up and do it elementary way—STICKERS. Print calendars from Word, customize it like I did with mine and buy stickers from the Dollar Tree store. They have thumbs up stickers there. They’re cute. The only thing I use New Years for are check-ins. Have I been doing my New Year’s Resolutions? And what I mean by that is, have I been keeping up with my decisions. Because, I do my New Year’s Resolutions on my BIRTHDAY. Every 6 months after my Birthday and New Years, I do a check-in: How is my yearly, my 6 months, monthly and weekly and how are these reflected from my daily and then I ask them through my well-rounded wheel of financial, physical, mental, health, emotional, relationship, family, spiritual, etc. Yeah…. There IS a lot. It takes practice.

So for this December, I’m doing Family Guy. And, I’m doing some thinking of my well rounded wheel because I have 12 months ahead… That’s 12 thirty-day challenges that I can accumulate and a couple 90-day challenges as well. For my 365 day challenge, I have already decided to do Les Brown. Out of all the motivational speakers, he is the one I want to listen to because he doesn’t try to drop names or sell you anything. I will listen to his shit on YouTube, find podcasts, read his shit on his website, leave no rock unturned on his site, read all his books and I will invest on stuff I can buy from him that I can view or listen to. If I can afford to go to a seminar, I’m doing it. Then, I will level up and find myself a good life coach who believes in the direction that I believe in with Les Brown, but that’s my goal for 365 days. If you challenge yourself and say I have a 365-day challenge versus “I have a new year’s resolution to quit smoking or I want to lose weight and I’m signing up for the gym”… what’s the probability of you sticking to it? *shakes head* That’s just my view. Anyway, so I have my 365 day patted down. I have 11 months left of good stuff. My January will be… hm… not sure yet since Les Brown is already the whole year. For sure, I’m going to check my wheel and do finance. Do something daily about money. Maybe I’ll do something related to art. Watch some do it yourself shit. There’s a lot of options but at least I did the 365… I’ve already come up with some ideas:

Color Mandalas.

I’m thinking of creating some, too. Like, serious ones both free hand, guided with rulers, AND use Illustrator and then give these away for free. I don’t know if this blog will evolve to that or I’ll have an Art Blog. I’m really not sure. I don’t know if I’ll continue on the path of doing a blog about my mental health. I really don’t know. I do know that I have a lot of stories to share when it comes to like… hallucinations, struggles of being in and out of hospitals… I’ll just keep writing and see how it goes till the end of the thirty one day challenge on this thing.

Declutter

Meditate

Smoothies

Track quantification

Motivational books

Walk 10 minutes a day

Gratitude List

Gratitude Jar for my honey and life

So the declutter is going to end this year. I have very little boxes left, but I need a whole month next year where I’ll focus on it and really get rid of EVERYTHING. It’s hard for me because they’re all memories or things that I could use in the future, but it’s okay. I’ll just buy new stuff. Like, my dres are awesome. They still sound good, but if I let those go… imagine the new shit I can buy for new beats? Right?

Meditation. Well, that’s going to be a part of my lifestyle. I’ve already made this a challenge project so I don’t think I’ll make this another one next year. It’ll be a given that it’s incorporated in my life. That’s the reason why they’re in my day to day challenges. It’s to eventually create habits, compound these into goals. When you add all these small minutes, over time… it makes a big difference.

Smoothies. I’ve been thinking about this. But, I’m also thinking about my diet in terms of cooking and eating. I’m always stuck on this because it’s so fucking overwhelming. So… I don’t know yet. I’ll have to do some research. Maybe I should do like a daily challenge of like… cook something every night but it can be the same recipe for the whole week then the next week, a different one, and then the last week, combine all three… hm… then I can just do the smoothies some other time. Another month.

Track Quantification. I have a fitbit. I was going to sell it. I might sell it and just get a newer and better version. I am a logger. I love tracking everything from sleep, to what I drink, to what I spend… because towards the end of the year or months, I like creating graphs out of them and then painting them with acrylic into a masterpiece because it’s fun. You’re painting your life with what you’ve “intake”’d in. I love data analysis. I’m a research analyst… so a massive amount of data from research is very fulfilling and satisfying for my brain. I love it. It’s good stuff.

Motivational books. It’s time to get back to reading books. I LOVE reading. I just haven’t had the time but now that I have day to day challenges and they seem to work for me?… shit, I don’t even know where I got this idea but it works. Um… that reminds me. I’m going to buy a camera and start vlogging. But, it’s going to be off line. It’s for me to check in everyday if I’ve been keeping up with my well rounded wheel. I’m doing this for the quality of my life, my happiness, to feel good, to be happy, to make the most out of life. Anyway, I’ll be doing maybe, five pages a day? It’s not much but if you add all those five pages a day for 31 days…? It’s a book. Then you do this for 12 months? It adds up yo. So, I’ll focus on some motivational books next year. I don’t know if I’ll be reading any fiction. I need to focus on one genre because I have to have focus. I noticed that I am more on the intellectual side because I am focusing from within and then it’ll go outwards. Meaning, working out and running is also on my list. I’m ready to prepare for a marathon but my first marathon will be in 2017. I have to take it easy and do it slow so one of the things that’s going to be on my day to day challenge is walking every day for 31 days. Just 10 minutes a day, and yes, you got it, add those and it becomes hours… miles. That’s the whole point. I read this off the Compound Effect by Darren Hardy. Plus, this is part of my mindfulness as well. I think I’ll do this for January but I’ll always be doing a thirty day challenge intellectually by watching/reading something. Les Brown’s the foundation.

Gratitude. I have 2. This one will also be a 365 day thing, but I think I want to focus on a thirty day challenge where I write 5 things that I am grateful for. I usually do 3 things daily. But just for 30-31 days, I’ll do 5 things to be grateful for and for the rest of the year, it can be 3. I’m just jump starting my habit. Then the one I’m excited for is for my Honey. I’m going to design a big ass jar. I learned this from Darren Hardy as well. I’m going to design a big ass jar, and every day, I’ll get a tiny piece of paper and write down one thing that I am grateful for my Honey every, single day for the whole year. Then, I’ll present this to him on Thanksgiving 2016. So when all of this solidifies, the goal is to be naturally grateful every, single day. Daily, at least 3 things to be grateful for, which is after my 5 things to be grateful for thirty day challenge.

Where did I get all these ideas? Well… it isn’t going to be for a year. I’m building this up to prepare me for my forties. This is part of my 5-year plan and entering to my 10-year plan. That’s why new Year’s resolutions are bull shit because it’s a new “year”, meaning 1 year. That’s only 12 months. It takes how many days to get into the groove of things, and by the time you do, it’s already the end of the year. You gotta get momentum going… So… I got these from my five year plan and have broken them down to yearly and into day to day… ONE DAY AT A TIME daily challenges.

Done.

And my New Year’s Resolution? If I had one? Is a saying in my head…

I QUIT!… I quit quitting. I’m going to continue blogging for the next five years. I’m going to be working on this blog but I want it to focus on my passions. Join the ride if not, thank you for stopping by. It’s not for everyone. But, it’s definitely a great outlet for me.

And, I’m going to get myself a wrist band that says, “Blow shit out of water.” And, “Go pro”. This’ll remind me to always go beyond and RISE to the occasion. It means do your best, always go beyond the extra mile. Meaning, don’t just go the extra mile—go BEYOND THAT AND THEN SOME. Hm… maybe I should add that on there.

And remember, kids. Go pro and go beyond. RISE.

Word Count: Shit out of the water… and beyond.

DAY 21: RICH STINGY LANDLORD

I’m not much for gossip but if you treat people like shit, no matter if you’re rich, educated, whatever it is, you’re not much of a great person. So, I will gladly talk shit about my landlord, cruela de vil. My landlord invited my Honey and I for Christmas dinner. She was nice to invite me for some random Holiday dinner occasion as well. But, other than that, SHE. IS. MEAN. She interrupts you when you’re trying to tell her something. She tells you off about something and makes you feel bad about it. She lies. She is manipulative. And, for someone who earns hundreds of thousands of dollars, she’s stingy to her employees. I know this because she is also my boss. I’m her admin. I do her social media but I heard it from her housekeeper that she’s stingy. Not only is she stingy, she’s the one who put herself out there when we were all at the dinner table and yelled it over the table to her loser ass husband that he better not eat all of it or else there won’t be any leftovers for tomorrow. Who does that? We’re all sitting there eating and when you say that out loud and we all hear it, why bother eating? It’ll make us uncomfortable to take portions. That’s like saying, here, have a glass of water… just sip it though because I still have gallons of gallons in the back to last an apocalypse and I don’t want you drinking too much. About being stingy. Her housekeeper said that she received a gift card and that was it. To me, I don’t give a fuck if she gives me anything. Nothing will change my perspective of her because she is truly an ass hole. I don’t care if she’s tired all the time. Just because you’re tired, doesn’t mean you have to take out your negative energy on other people. She’s an adult. And, she’s old. So, she’s an old grumpy ole woman. She should know better. If you’re tired, then don’t take on too much and don’t skip your sleep, oh but no, she’ll just sleep for 5 hours and then take out her negative energy on you when she can. In my case, she’ll interrupt me when I’m trying to be considerate for her controlling ass anyway. That fucking annoyed me so much. So, though I’m not one for gossip, it was FUN talking shit about her with her housekeeper. We even talked shit about her husband because he’s so “odd” as the housekeeper said. He’s an asshole himself. I don’t know if these people are just old… but it’s like they forgot what it was like to be young, too. Like I’ve said. I have mood swings and I get pissed off easily if you trigger my stressors and she does it all the time, but I hold it in and try to find good things in her but it’s come to the point where I’ve had enough. I’m just waiting for her or her husband to  confront me one last time… and it’s ON THEM. Not me. ON THEM. I’m not family. So, don’t fucking treat me like shit. Yeah, I think I should key their car in but I think, the best thing to do if I were to do anything to their car would be subtle things. I’ll find things that are subtle that will rot their car slowly from the inside rather than keying their car. She fucking raised my rent, too. Not by percentage either. This woman is literally rich and I know that her intentions is to live a simple life, but to be so stingy and mean to others makes her a horrible person. You know what makes her a horrible person? Because she’s mean. She takes shit out on you when she’s tired or angry. She tells you off every time she finds something you did wrong—even though it’s something very little. Oh, and don’t get me started on her husband. Fucking loser. He needs to get his medication tweaked or something. He’s got bad energy. Not even negative… just BAD. They’re so fucking rich and they took my Tupperware. YES, the only Tupperware that I have that I put my sugar in. So, I took it back and put my sugar in it. And, I guarantee you that this is going to come up and all I’m going to say is that it is ACTUALLY MINE and I found it from my STORAGE UNIT and I have always put my SUGAR IN IT. They just started using it. I was so scared of them at first because they’re so mean and they are always angry at me but, would tell me off, and if they wanna’ be like that, then, fine. It’s time they see my true colors. Who’s that? The one who talks back, has a bitchy attitude, the one who doesn’t take shit from people. I was so humble, grateful for these people but if they’re just going to take advantage of my niceness, then they don’t deserve my respect and they actually lost my respect. The only reason why I was nice to them was because they were OLD. Respect your elders. Well, they’re mean people so they don’t count. I still don’t care if you’re in a club that does charity. You’re still a bitch. And an asshole. I think she needs to get her head checked. And, that’s it. Get your own Tupperware with your own hundreds of thousands of dollars. And if you’re stingy and don’t want to spend, then go to Goodwill and get your own. This is the only Tupperware I have for my sugar. This is ridiculous. It’s ridiculous because they took my shit, raised my rent, when they’re so fucking rich…. ALREADY. Stingy ass mother fuckers. They better not bring up this Tupperware, or it’s on like a shit storm.

And remember… go pro, and blow shit out of the water. RISE.

Word count: 997

DAY 19: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

No, I do not have schizophrenia. Yes. I do hear voices, but only when I get stressed out. They leave once I get back my health. If I don’t do the following:

Sleep

Eat

Get my period

Poop

Everything basic in reference to Maslow’s Theory

Relax

Medication

… and then too much caffeine

There is potential that I may end up in the hospital. I’ve been enough times to know when enough is enough.

I have Bipolar with mania. Add stress to that and one of the major symptoms that I have dealt with are auditory hallucinations. My life would be so, so, so much easier if I didn’t live in fear if I was going to “hear voices” today or tomorrow—depending if I met all my basic needs for the day or how much I have taken on in reference to my stress level. But, I can’t help but wonder, maybe it’s God’s way of taking care of me? Hey, I’m not a born again fanatic Christian that I once was. I don’t judge. You can be whatever religion (or no religion) that you want to be but I have always been a Christian. And you already know me, I cuss and shit but it doesn’t mean I don’t believe in something of a higher power. It is better to believe in something… than nothing. Faith is a beautiful thing. Anyway, it’s like an indicator. I’m hearing shit again, time to chill out and color a mandala. Fucking voices are here again. Time take a long ass bath. Time to sleep. Time to cut down my to-do list. If I didn’t have these as my symptoms, I can only imagine the things I could be doing. So, I guess, my fear isn’t just getting laid off? It’s the fear of having auditory hallucinations. The thing is… it’s fine to have ‘em because I know they’re not real, but they feel REAL. Outside and inside my mind. And the things they say SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME. They’re mean. They trigger my PTSD. They make me cry. They hurt my feelings and worst of all, they tell me that nobody cares about me and that I should just kill myself. But they all know That I will never, ever, EVER kill myself. Even they know that. These hallucinations seem real, but I would never kill myself because I believe in God. I have strong faith in God… therefore, I always say, I choose to live. I will to live. When I become suicidal, my team of professionals know and when I’m in the hospital and on high alert, no matter how suicidal, I will always speak up and say, “I choose to live. I will to live.” Because I do want to live. Suicidal thoughts aren’t me. They’re my illness. They’re not me. I am not bipolar. I have bipolar. Your illness does not define you. You define you. You have power over everything within you because you have greatness in you. Calling 911 is greatness in you. You have that power. In my case, I knew exactly how to take care of myself. My symptoms were out of control. Suicidal thoughts are part of the chemical imbalance. I knew exactly what to do. I called for help.

Even my auditory hallucinations tell me that I’m paranoid. Here’s the weird part. They care. They actually care about me, but in a mean way. They’ll teach me things, like how to be considerate about other people’s feelings and how to walk like a lady or to be original but then they’ll turn around and say mean things. They know my weaknesses and trigger my stressors until I cry and then they’ll tell me to kill myself. See, I need to take really good care of myself so I prevent having auditory hallucinations so that way, I won’t have to hear things like these and end up at such a vulnerable position where I’m in this lost state of mind. Thank God for hospitals. Thank God that I know when to call for help and when it is time to go to the hospital. I always delay in calling them because I feel it’s a failure in life, but I have learned that if that’s what it takes for me to learn, then so be it. Hospitalization after hospitalization. Recovery after recovery and finally, journey after journey derived from one milestone to another milestone, thanks to my theory of One Day At A Time, I am finally here. And, that is why I believe that it is God’s way of taking care of me. It’s him saying, “Hey, take it easy, or else you’re going to have auditory hallucinations. I don’t want you ending up in the hospital again.” And because of this, I made the most out of my stay from the hospitalizations. I learned as much as I could from the groups, the community meetings, my residency stay at the Oasis (treatment center transitioning from hospital to the real world), and from volunteering in non-profit organizations. So, that is why I have mixed feelings. I can’t help but wonder what it would be like not having hallucinations to keep me in check. Or just no having any mental illnesses. What it would be like to just hear a door slam and not feel anger, just to shrug it off and move on in a second. What would it be like to not have… well, actually, I’m doing really well. I really am. It’s just the fear of my auditory hallucinations. The rest, I’ve been able to manage… because of the support group of my team of professionals but I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to not have a bag of nuts. I would have the freedom to move to any city, any state and not have to worry so much about health benefits. I could just pick up… and leave. No worries. Just pick up and leave. And maybe God knows this… He knows that I’ll just go manic on my ass and spin out of control and end up sick so He decided, bam, hallucinations. Take it easy, Kel. You’ll get everything you want, you can spoil yourself with everything, all and more with what you want. You will… all you have to do is work hard, take it one day at a time, and be very, very, very patient… and have a little faith in Me.

And remember… don’t down stoop to anyone’s level. Be the bigger person… and rise beyond the situation.

Word count: 1.095

DAY 18: STOP. SLAMMING! DOORS!!!

I hate slamming doors. I get really angry when I FEEL the door slam. When I used to live in the Oasis during my residency, doors would slam left and right because people would leave their windows open in the afternoon because it would get so hot and that caused the doors to slam. It would slam so loud that I could feel the vibrations against my wall and it would rattle my door. The only reason why it pissed me off is because it scared the shit out of me and the only reason why it scared the shit out of me is because it was an unexpected startling event. And, the bottom line is: PTSD. People would slam doors in my past. I did. They did. We all did. For all reasons, all negative. Very dark. Very deep. Very painful. So, every fucking time you slam that door, I want to yell, scream, get up and yell, “STOP FUCKING SLAMMING THAT FUCKING DOOR” because it brings me all the way back to the deep, to the dark, to the painful. That’s the only reason I’m angry, because I can feel the heat rise from my back, creep up my neck and then all over my face. I can feel the warmth on my face and the startle just turns into pure ANGER. I don’t know if it’s a defense mechanism or what, but it makes me want to jump out of my bed, catch who the fuck that person is and tell them to fucking stop! I’m serious! I’m a really, really, really nice person and I am the last person you would think that would do anything rebellious, but I got so fucking pissed that I started slamming my door the whole night. I slammed that bitch so loud that the whole other wing of the Oasis heard it. They thought somebody got in an accident because at that same time, an ambulance parked outside the front of the building. It was just a coincidence but the resident nurse that evening asked what that noise was and I just looked around and acted just as perplexed as they did. Shit, I didn’t do shit, inconsiderate mother fuckers. It’s crazy how a trigger, a simple shutting of a door, a vibration, a bang, can bring a human’s heart fluttering to a fight or flight charge… that was me. It scared the shit out of me that I said, “FUCK!” Fuck… just fuck… Fuck. *shakes head* I just kept slamming that fucking door and the person who originally started slamming their door complained about my slamming. Mind you, I already complained the “proper way” and “adult” way by reporting it to the resident nurse but they never complied to my plea so with my frustration, “That’s it, I’ve had enough. I’m not getting any sleep tonight and neither is the rest of this hall way.” That was it and that was all. I’m old already. Don’t bring me all the way back to when I was 4… in the dark. In the deep. In the painful. Fuck you for slamming that door. I’ll come over there and slam your face right on that door knob, you inconsiderate fucking depressed old grumpy man. Get some professional help and get some anti-depressants!!! FUCK!!! Fucking hate people who have a mental illness or a medical condition and they don’t fucking do shit to help themselves and all they do is bring that negative energy around and it affects EVERYBODY around them. INCLUDING ME. I work so hard on my happiness, it fucking PISSES ME OFF that I have to put up with other people’s SHIT. How the hell did this … nevermind. Just… time to chill. *sigh*

Disclaimer: Yeah… I did not have the term “rise” in my vocab at the time I was at the Oasis… as you can already tell from my blogging.

CHANGE TOPIC QUICK!!

So, did I tell you about my first world problem today? Spanks got a run on them. Mm-hmm. Yes. Quite the tragedy. Did not wear those to the job interview. Mmmnope. Nope, nope, nope, nooooope, nope.

And remember… … go beyond and… RIIIIISE. SLAM and ditch.. kidding.

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Word Count: 687

DAY 16: I’M LIKE, OVER IT..?

its-possible2

I really try, you know? It’s hard to be positive when you have mood swings (bipolar) and it affects your super hardcore (borderline personality), ruminate over it, and then it repeats in your head until you find a solution (ocd), but it’s possible to break the cycle of madness. You just have to make the decision to say “stop” and say “what’s next” instead of “get over it” or “move on”. Sometimes, saying, “Whatever. I’m over it” works. I learned that from Paris Hilton on the Simple Life. She used to say it all the time, “I’m over it.” And, whether you are “over it” or not, just the fact that you’re announcing it verbally allows your brain to subconsciously follow your lead eventually…

I say it’s hard to be positive because, well, first of all, it’s rainy, again. Of course it’s not a shocking surprise because it is the Pacific Northwest, but my point is that this Season affects my mood and again, I’ve mentioned that it can get really depressing. What I mean by “it’s possible” is that you can get out of it by listening to yourself: listen to your body and your mind. What are they trying to tell you and what do they need from you right now, at this moment today? Did you get enough sleep. Did you eat a healthy meal. Did you drink enough water. Are you on your period (pms’ing causes bitchiness). Did you poop (discomfort affects mood) and of course, medication is non-explanatory. If you didn’t poop, now you know why- go eat Fiber 1. If you are getting your period soon, sit back and relax and accept that you’ll be bitchy for a while. If you haven’t eaten—well, have a Snickers bar because you aren’t feeling like yourself. Ha. No, seriously though… EAT.

What made ”it’s possible” for me this morning? *sigh* Mm… it was spontaneity. I went to the bank this morning to change some of my money into coins for parking. They should really change that shit and have it accept debit cards. Seriously. It’s so stupid. It’s near 2016. Do you remember that show Beyond 2000? Yeah, exactly—it’s like… what the fuck 2000 what? I gave my card to the teller and she forgot to give it back to me, or it was my sleepy ass who didn’t recognize that I didn’t get it back from her. I drove back home and half way back she called me and I turned around get my card back. Wow… that’s a lot of “back”… I was really sleepy so I took advantage of their free coffee. I said, shit, why not. I deserve it. I  gave back the left over coins and put those back in my account. Might as well get some coffee while I’m here. The hit was wonderful. It got me pepped up right before I landed home. I was trying to figure out how to wake up and really get my groove on. How about a nap? No, no… no nap or else I’ll end up sleeping late again. Okay… coffee? Yeah, coffee is fine, but I need something else. And then I thought of trance: Tiesto, Armin, and some Thunder. Yeah, some Infected Mushroom. I was (and now) thinking of blasting some of that and just coloring a mandala and then a fix of motivational speakers. I need it. So when I was nearing my neighborhood, I heard some Nicki Minaj, hey ma ma oh hey ma ma ma, so I blasted that and decided to take the scenic route. I danced in my car while cruising, did some liquid movements and when the song was over, I turned around and here I am. I feel energized. But… it’s time to eat lunch. Even though I’m not hungry, I’m going to have to eat because… I have to. Health first or else shit’s going to creep up on me and next thing you know I’m back in the fucking hospital. So, I better be careful and always prevent shit before I need to even consider preventing anything. Anyway, I’ll eat now and blast some trance before I do some therapeutic stuff. I’m excited to do just that. And, to always think of it as one day at a time when things get over-whelming. Um… I’m most probably going to have chocolate-chip pancakes because I didn’t have any this past Sunday and I don’t feel like eating anything else. Yeah, that and an apple. Heh. I’m special.

And, remember… always go beyond… and RISE. Just like a fart smell. That shit rises.

Word count: 772