SO WHAT DO YOU WANNA’ KNOW ABOUT ME?

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So I had a dream that I was eating debris of weed that were left over from a Ziploc bag in the bathroom. I remember just sitting there on the floor chewing them up. I felt the rush hit my head and I was high and anxious at the same time and then it just dawned on me why I stopped smoking (in my dream). This was a dream and in that dream I said, “Oh no no no, shit. I forgot! I get hallucinations when I smoke! I better stop!” Then next thing I knew I had a half a chocolate chip cookie in my hand and I took a bite of it and I felt a fog in my head and I felt really high. I was so scared to hear voices. I didn’t know why I forgot why I quit smoking and why I just kept taking eating it. It’s because I watched an episode of Nurse Jackie on Netflix last night, “Apple bong” where she took hits off an apple bong she made and baked special chocolate chip cookies for a patient.

It looks like I’ve been getting more readers on this blog. It’s too bad that I’m going to discontinue this site. I don’t know when I’ll come back. I will be blogging here for a couple more weeks. If you’ve been reading my past blogs, I mentioned that I quit quitting. Just because I’m closing this one doesn’t mean I have quit. I have 2 new blogs that I’ve created: One, for job-evaluations. I will blog everyday and see how I’m doing daily with my new job. It’s a great job and I want to advance in this career. And the second blog is about my life, basically. It’ll focus on self-improvement and all aspects of my life and how to achieve my goals by sharing insights on motivational speakers and authors… sharing articles that can helps us get there. You will see me grow from there as this year progresses till the next new years eve. I want to write over there because this one was tied about my mental illness. I don’t want to go in that direction anymore. I don’t want to write about my depression, or my mania, or my past. Maybe someday, I want to publish an e-book because I’m so talkative and I can’t write less than 500 words and in that ebook I will write about my past hospitalizations, the amazing people I met at the residential treatment center that I was in for 90 days and then another 90 days. And how I rose from all those failures and conquered it from recovery to journey. I have a lot of those but I feel like now is not that time. The 31 day writing challenge was fun. It just goes to show how powerful taking one day at a time can really get you to meet your goals and challenges… So, those two blogs are going to be about my life but without mentioning my mental illness anymore. I want this for myself. I haven’t written in 11 years so I really need a lot of practice, too.

If you want to know the 2 new blogs that I have, just email me. kelofduty @ gmail.com and include your blog’s site address so I know you’re legit. I’m heading up there now to get started. I don’t have resolutions. I have goals and plans and they usually start on my birthday. So, every 8th of the month, I do check ins and I start any type of “resolutions” on the 8th, but I’m going to go ahead and start my blogs now so I’m on a roll by the time it hits the 8th of January. I mean, it’s just harsh to start your resolutions (if you do) on the 1st. you gotta’ ease into it or you’re going to end up beating yourself up and giving up completely. Just know that it takes one day at a time… and they add up in the end. I skipped some days during my 31 day challenge, but I still took it one day at a time and for the most part, I kept to the habit. Now, I’ve completed the challenge. If I can do that for a month, what more with other new plans and goals in different aspects of my life.

Next topic on my blog… what a jack ass I was about my landlord. She proved me wrong during the Holidays. Let’s see what this new week of 2016 brings.

And remember, blow shit out of the water and go pro.

DAY 31: YOUR BIPOLAR CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A BEAUTY QUEEN

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Your bipolar can give you a boost of confidence. Back in 2003, I tried out for Miss Philippines. At that time, I was in a bikini modeling contest with the same television network and I signed a contract that said you can’t be in both and so I had to back out. But, I made it to the next screening. It wasn’t a big deal. It’s not like I would have won or anything. *shrug* I just did it for fun. When I saw how some of these girls answered the questions, I thought, if they can do it, I can too…. But, you just never know what your Bipolar powers can do for you. Some can make you feel like superman. Others… a beauty queen. I had false confidence, or maybe though, hey, if she can strut her ass in a bikini, then so can I… and so I joined the network. If I only thought it out better, maybe I could have been working for that company, but I like where I’m at now. I’m stable. My paychecks are steady. I have a roof over my head. I have loving people around me. I’ve got my own wheels. I’ve got a real career ahead of me and I’m getting another Bachelor’s Degree. Last but certainly not the least, I’ve got a sexy man who looks like Ryan Gosling.

Modeling in the Philippines is stressful if you don’t have your own entourage, especially if you’re not an actor. You need a very well-rounded gay with you who can do your hair, your make up, do your errands for you, pump you up when you’re stressed… tell you that you are fierce when others intimidate you and your gay. When you start from becoming a stranger into it compared to a seasoned model, it’s hard. You don’t know where you’re going to be next. Whereas, for me, right now, I’ve found security. I know where I’m at, but I just wanted to check out what’s been going on with the Philippines because it’s about fucking time we won. Our country is passionate about this shit. It’s lame, I know, but our gays are so open about it. They love that shit. I just went on her Instagram to try and relate to her. Yes, I used to relate to women like her. I was once “poised”, I was once graceful and if I needed to work it, I could strut my stuff, but to keep it real, I’m not LIKE THAT. I’m a tomboy at heart but a queen… queen bitch. I used to look up to poised, demure, conservative women, but fuck that. That’s not who I am. I’m a gamer, someone who chills out with my homies, and I crack up out loud. I’ll dress up like her, be poised when needed be, but I’m hella’ laid back. So, I tried to relate to her by researching some stuff about her and the only thing we have in common is that we are both Filipina. That’s it. My features aren’t even close to her features. I’m too exotic. And I mean that based on my features, not as something cocky or anything. She has a softer, Filipina, fair-skinned type of face. I’m tanned now. I still have my long, straight, black hair. And, sure, I’m proud to be Filipina because we won… and yeah, it’s great we got some Filipina beauty going on… and I just YouTubed her answer, too. She did a great job, especially with a nerve-wracking place to do it at. Mind you, I did not watch the show. I’m not into pageants… anymore. But it’s got me thinking how much I’ve let go of myself. I have gained some weight since I was Miss Universe’s age. About… 20 pounds now. My Honey is very supportive and tells me it’s because of my medication. And, he’s right, but if I really want to keep it real with myself? And, really reflect on this for just a sec here? I think I’ve let myself go… *shrug* But, I’m not sure what kind of plan I have for my physical appearance. I don’t care about how much I weigh. I’m more about my physical appearance and since I have gained this weight, I have an ass now, like if I slide my hand down my back side, I actually have a bump there. I used to be a C cup, and now I’m a D cup. Those are all the good things that came from gaining weight, but my stomach is a no go. Uh-uh. No… *sigh* So, with my well-rounded wheel that I’m reflecting for the New Year’s Eve… there’s going to be some challenges, but I do know that it’s not going to take an over-night resolution-wish-list bull shit NOR a one-month, or even a year thing. It’s going to have to be a lifestyle… *shakes head* I wanna’ get back to being 105lbs, but I’m not in my twenties anymore. I’m not that model anymore… and I kinda’ like having an ass and bigger tits. And if I start my work-outs, I’m going to get in that zone again and lose this so I’m going to have to find a program that suits me and keep my tits and my ass… but say goodbye to my 2015 lower-pootch. Coz that’s what you are, mother-fucker, a 2015 lower ab pootch. Ima get rid of you for the rest of my life. Not just for one year…. For a whole lifestyle. So, happy new year.

Mabuhay ang Pilipinas.

Word Count: Doesn’t matter. I completed my 31-day writing challenge… this could be my last blog.

Just remember to blow shit out of the water… AND GO PRO.