IT’S TIME

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Alright, it’s time. This will be my last post. If you would like to follow me in my new wordpress site/blogs, please add your email address in the comment section and I will email you the link. Or, I can email you first. Mine is on the PS. I have 2 WordPress sites: The first is about my health (similar stuff like I have on this kelofduty site except I’m not going to advertise what I have… it’ll just be a part of the blog but not the main focus) and being well-rounded and then the other one is going to be about how I’m doing at work, steps to working on my job and career goals/dreams/plans– it’s more random and for me; how to break down the big goals into small ones and achieve them– tracking goals and plans. Motivation. Inspirational quotes. Sharing things I’ve learned from motivational speakers, authors… what story is behind the mandala I colored today. What blue means to me today and why did I pick gray rather than green… just incorporating everything. I want to share some quotes about getting things done, paste some info from YouTube on here of some amazing motivational speakers that I think would be helpful. Hopefully learn more about your story, too if I do find you on that site. So these sites are for me. It’s more of a necessary hobby because it’s therapeutic but it’s also very healthy for me. It’ll help keep track of my progress and raise my standards when I meet these goals, plans and expectations. I can’t make up my mind just yet, but I need to start writing again. I’m 19 days behind on it. It helps keep the focus on my goals and plans to help keep the inertia for the year and for my 10, 5 year goals and plans. Lots have happened this month already and I’m wanting to express these things. Kelofduty will be stagnant for a while, but as I grow in the other websites…yada yada yada. I’m thinking of creating them for motivation and mandalas. I just don’t know how to incorporate those two just yet. I’m just in the pre-contemplating stages as of now. Plus, I’ve been researching for mandala books that I want to color, and I just can’t fucking find the right style that I want and it’s frustrating me. I’m currently working on one right now and some of her shit, for an art therapist, isn’t cutting it. No offense to her shit, but it’s just not my style but it’s getting me by…

Alright, if you’re still interested in my ramblings and bitchiness, just comment me your email address and I’ll send you those links right away. I’m not going anywhere, I’m just changing links for my blogs and not using Kelofduty anymore– not until I create my own mandalas… like, later. And, if not, just email me first (*see PS for email addy).

Hope all of you are well, and are having a GREAT year so far. It’s only the 27th of Jan., so don’t give up. There is always tomorrow to start over again.

Don’t give up. Blow shit out of the water, always.

PS

If you don’t feel comfortable leaving your email addy here, you can email me first:

kelofduty at gmail dot com

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SO WHAT DO YOU WANNA’ KNOW ABOUT ME?

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So I had a dream that I was eating debris of weed that were left over from a Ziploc bag in the bathroom. I remember just sitting there on the floor chewing them up. I felt the rush hit my head and I was high and anxious at the same time and then it just dawned on me why I stopped smoking (in my dream). This was a dream and in that dream I said, “Oh no no no, shit. I forgot! I get hallucinations when I smoke! I better stop!” Then next thing I knew I had a half a chocolate chip cookie in my hand and I took a bite of it and I felt a fog in my head and I felt really high. I was so scared to hear voices. I didn’t know why I forgot why I quit smoking and why I just kept taking eating it. It’s because I watched an episode of Nurse Jackie on Netflix last night, “Apple bong” where she took hits off an apple bong she made and baked special chocolate chip cookies for a patient.

It looks like I’ve been getting more readers on this blog. It’s too bad that I’m going to discontinue this site. I don’t know when I’ll come back. I will be blogging here for a couple more weeks. If you’ve been reading my past blogs, I mentioned that I quit quitting. Just because I’m closing this one doesn’t mean I have quit. I have 2 new blogs that I’ve created: One, for job-evaluations. I will blog everyday and see how I’m doing daily with my new job. It’s a great job and I want to advance in this career. And the second blog is about my life, basically. It’ll focus on self-improvement and all aspects of my life and how to achieve my goals by sharing insights on motivational speakers and authors… sharing articles that can helps us get there. You will see me grow from there as this year progresses till the next new years eve. I want to write over there because this one was tied about my mental illness. I don’t want to go in that direction anymore. I don’t want to write about my depression, or my mania, or my past. Maybe someday, I want to publish an e-book because I’m so talkative and I can’t write less than 500 words and in that ebook I will write about my past hospitalizations, the amazing people I met at the residential treatment center that I was in for 90 days and then another 90 days. And how I rose from all those failures and conquered it from recovery to journey. I have a lot of those but I feel like now is not that time. The 31 day writing challenge was fun. It just goes to show how powerful taking one day at a time can really get you to meet your goals and challenges… So, those two blogs are going to be about my life but without mentioning my mental illness anymore. I want this for myself. I haven’t written in 11 years so I really need a lot of practice, too.

If you want to know the 2 new blogs that I have, just email me. kelofduty @ gmail.com and include your blog’s site address so I know you’re legit. I’m heading up there now to get started. I don’t have resolutions. I have goals and plans and they usually start on my birthday. So, every 8th of the month, I do check ins and I start any type of “resolutions” on the 8th, but I’m going to go ahead and start my blogs now so I’m on a roll by the time it hits the 8th of January. I mean, it’s just harsh to start your resolutions (if you do) on the 1st. you gotta’ ease into it or you’re going to end up beating yourself up and giving up completely. Just know that it takes one day at a time… and they add up in the end. I skipped some days during my 31 day challenge, but I still took it one day at a time and for the most part, I kept to the habit. Now, I’ve completed the challenge. If I can do that for a month, what more with other new plans and goals in different aspects of my life.

Next topic on my blog… what a jack ass I was about my landlord. She proved me wrong during the Holidays. Let’s see what this new week of 2016 brings.

And remember, blow shit out of the water and go pro.

DAY 31: YOUR BIPOLAR CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A BEAUTY QUEEN

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Your bipolar can give you a boost of confidence. Back in 2003, I tried out for Miss Philippines. At that time, I was in a bikini modeling contest with the same television network and I signed a contract that said you can’t be in both and so I had to back out. But, I made it to the next screening. It wasn’t a big deal. It’s not like I would have won or anything. *shrug* I just did it for fun. When I saw how some of these girls answered the questions, I thought, if they can do it, I can too…. But, you just never know what your Bipolar powers can do for you. Some can make you feel like superman. Others… a beauty queen. I had false confidence, or maybe though, hey, if she can strut her ass in a bikini, then so can I… and so I joined the network. If I only thought it out better, maybe I could have been working for that company, but I like where I’m at now. I’m stable. My paychecks are steady. I have a roof over my head. I have loving people around me. I’ve got my own wheels. I’ve got a real career ahead of me and I’m getting another Bachelor’s Degree. Last but certainly not the least, I’ve got a sexy man who looks like Ryan Gosling.

Modeling in the Philippines is stressful if you don’t have your own entourage, especially if you’re not an actor. You need a very well-rounded gay with you who can do your hair, your make up, do your errands for you, pump you up when you’re stressed… tell you that you are fierce when others intimidate you and your gay. When you start from becoming a stranger into it compared to a seasoned model, it’s hard. You don’t know where you’re going to be next. Whereas, for me, right now, I’ve found security. I know where I’m at, but I just wanted to check out what’s been going on with the Philippines because it’s about fucking time we won. Our country is passionate about this shit. It’s lame, I know, but our gays are so open about it. They love that shit. I just went on her Instagram to try and relate to her. Yes, I used to relate to women like her. I was once “poised”, I was once graceful and if I needed to work it, I could strut my stuff, but to keep it real, I’m not LIKE THAT. I’m a tomboy at heart but a queen… queen bitch. I used to look up to poised, demure, conservative women, but fuck that. That’s not who I am. I’m a gamer, someone who chills out with my homies, and I crack up out loud. I’ll dress up like her, be poised when needed be, but I’m hella’ laid back. So, I tried to relate to her by researching some stuff about her and the only thing we have in common is that we are both Filipina. That’s it. My features aren’t even close to her features. I’m too exotic. And I mean that based on my features, not as something cocky or anything. She has a softer, Filipina, fair-skinned type of face. I’m tanned now. I still have my long, straight, black hair. And, sure, I’m proud to be Filipina because we won… and yeah, it’s great we got some Filipina beauty going on… and I just YouTubed her answer, too. She did a great job, especially with a nerve-wracking place to do it at. Mind you, I did not watch the show. I’m not into pageants… anymore. But it’s got me thinking how much I’ve let go of myself. I have gained some weight since I was Miss Universe’s age. About… 20 pounds now. My Honey is very supportive and tells me it’s because of my medication. And, he’s right, but if I really want to keep it real with myself? And, really reflect on this for just a sec here? I think I’ve let myself go… *shrug* But, I’m not sure what kind of plan I have for my physical appearance. I don’t care about how much I weigh. I’m more about my physical appearance and since I have gained this weight, I have an ass now, like if I slide my hand down my back side, I actually have a bump there. I used to be a C cup, and now I’m a D cup. Those are all the good things that came from gaining weight, but my stomach is a no go. Uh-uh. No… *sigh* So, with my well-rounded wheel that I’m reflecting for the New Year’s Eve… there’s going to be some challenges, but I do know that it’s not going to take an over-night resolution-wish-list bull shit NOR a one-month, or even a year thing. It’s going to have to be a lifestyle… *shakes head* I wanna’ get back to being 105lbs, but I’m not in my twenties anymore. I’m not that model anymore… and I kinda’ like having an ass and bigger tits. And if I start my work-outs, I’m going to get in that zone again and lose this so I’m going to have to find a program that suits me and keep my tits and my ass… but say goodbye to my 2015 lower-pootch. Coz that’s what you are, mother-fucker, a 2015 lower ab pootch. Ima get rid of you for the rest of my life. Not just for one year…. For a whole lifestyle. So, happy new year.

Mabuhay ang Pilipinas.

Word Count: Doesn’t matter. I completed my 31-day writing challenge… this could be my last blog.

Just remember to blow shit out of the water… AND GO PRO.

DAY 28: TO HAVE THE BEST IS TO BE THE BEST

I’m a blogger, a logger, and a tracker. But, I’m sick right now. It’s like, there’s a second switch somewhere that says “FREEZE” and everything is just so cold that not even a heater can warm you up fast enough. Bitch. I can hardly swallow without feeling sand paper scratch my throat. My bladder’s acting up. My nose is stuffed. And, I feel weak and warm. There is one, huge thing that is happening as I speak that is wonderfully amazing: My New Job. And, I love it. There are too many variables, so I’m not even going to get into it. I just want to free write.

I think after I’m done with my 31-day writing challenge, I might change it up. I don’t think I’ll be writing about Bipolar, depression, or BPD and etc… I don’t know. I’m kinda’ over it. I want to talk about self-improvement and strategies to getting shit done and achieving goals or how I’m doing them. I want to use this blog to write about my random experiences in everyday life or write about what I’ve accomplished so far. *pursed lips* I didn’t quit. I’m just redirecting. Talking about my illness is just plain depressing. *sigh* I’m also slacking on my logging and tracking right now. I’m usually on top of that shit but today was my first day of work and I’m exhausted because I’m not feeling well so I’ll just have to catch up with everything this weekend. I have a 3-day weekend. I know, they love us over there. If I could blow shit out of the water in my interview, imagine the things I can do with the rest of my days…

Monday’s done. I rocked it. One day at a time. Traffic wasn’t bad. I fed myself. drank some tea. Laid in bed and kept warm. Tomorrow, I’ll make sure to dress warm-ER. Mm… I’m hungry. I think I’m going to have a bowl of oatmeal… with chocolate chips in it. Not the healthiest thing at night, and I know it’s not good for my throat so I’m going to gargle some salty water. And, again, I have no idea as to how I’m going to structure this. Self-improvement. Short stories of my real life. Tracking. Logging. Blogging.

Meditation, I’m half way there. 60 more days and I have to level it up to Level 2. Still don’t know what’s next.

I got some awesome gifts. Can’t wait to color them in, but I’m too sick to do that right now. I’m just going to not move as much as possible.

Then, there’s my charts and tracking. I haven’t touched them in a month.

*sigh*

So much for going consecutive all month, but it’s longer than the last month. I need to find a really good reward. I need to have something detailed. And, I think I’ll start ending my blogs with a quote. But, back on my rewards. The more challenging and more commitment needed in terms of intensity and time, the bigger the reward. Some thoughts on this…

A Mac Laptop, the latest. If I want to go to Graphic Design school, I have to have the best of the best. And, in order to have the best, you have to be the best. So, this will be a very good motivation for my 90-day-probation at work. I will start this…ASAP.

That’s it for now. I’m also thinking of a camera. A GOOD ONE. YouTube. But, it’s not going to be of me. Not yet, I think. I want it to be about creativity. Stuff I create.

To have the best. Be the best. – Kel of Duty

And, remember: Go pro and blow shit out of the water. If you don’t do it now… then the fuck when?

Word Count: 630

DAY 23: BLOW SHIT OUT OF THE WATER

Thank you notes for the 3 rounds of job interviews for the best company in the whole wide world. ❤ So happy. So Merry Christmas to me. 🙂


I just got back from making me some Pumpkin Spice Latte. Good shit. It’s this German instant coffee, but it’s legit brewed 100%. It has a great, super hit and no crash, and then I mixed it with some fatty milk (none of this 2%, 1% percent bull shit) and my Spice Latte creamer. I love Starbucks, but this tastes even better and I just saved myself 5 bucks.

I finally dropped off my thank you notes for my 3 rounds of interview to 4 of the interviewers for the company that I’ve been wanting to work for (for years). I can’t believe that I made it. I surpassed all those other candidates. “I can’t guarantee you the job but I can tell you that you are one of the top candidates. You made such a great impression on our team lead that we would like you to come in for our interview to meet our Design Manager.” Not only that. When I was done with my last interview which was with the Design Manager, she asked me if I had a few minutes to meet the VP. I had no water and my mouth was dry so I was literally swallowing dry and choking on dry. That’s the only way I can describe. It was pretty hilarious but I was nervous as FUCK. And now… It’s finally here. I made my dreams, one of them come true. This one is a huge one because the last time I’ve ever made my dreams come true and KEPT IT, was… never. I can’t really think of one right now. That will be a good blog to write about. My Haney is a dream come true but I’m talking about achievements. Hm… like not ever at the moment. So, this is my Christmas present for myself. And… I’m scared shitless because it actually came true. My dream came true. Now, I’m scared. What’s next from here? I know what to do because I have my One-Day-At-A-Time-SMART Strategy in place, but it still scares me. I’m grateful but at the same time, I’m scared because the past 3 years, I’ve been laid off, turned down by so many companies that I’ve interviewed for and then, finally, here I am… but, I think I know why. It’s because I have been rejected. So. Many. Fucking. Times. Do you know what that does to your fucking confidence after years? I never give up and I have the stubborn headed perseverance of a bull, but still, man. My confidence took a knock out from all the companies I’ve interviewed with. Thank you note after thank you note, man. Interview question after trick interview question. Fucking hated those. But, I get it now…without going through the intensive experiences that I went through from the job search, job interviews, hospitalizations and then finally being admitted to a residential treatment program, I wouldn’t have been equipped and prepared thoroughly enough for this moment. And, it’s not just a job or work. It’s something I’m good at. It’s something I’m passionate about. I LOVE what I do and then some. It’s something that can take off as a career.

I’ve gone through so many groups, community meetings, therapy sessions, hospitalizations, and rejections… I am better prepared for this opportunity. Imagine if I got hired by a company that was just so-so for me? I wouldn’t have been able to BE HERE, RIGHT NOW, to accept this job offer… and that’s why I went all out with my Thank You notes. Even my Haney said he’s never seen anything like it before in my life. The front desk office manager in the front said I was so sweet, twice. I made a mini gift basket with little treats in it and then a note in it. First of all, it’s been on my mind. I told myself if they were ever to give me the job offer, I’m making it all out, balls out so I made the gift basket. Second, it was a job interview, 3 rounds of it and I made it through—successfully. I kept it real this time. No bull shit. No pageantry answers with poise and posture, and bull shit. I left that bull shit behind. It worked for jobs that had “pay” in them but they weren’t something I was passionate about. Now THIS, I was so I kept it as real as possible. And third, ‘tis the Season, bitches… Big Bang, bro, Big Bang, whut nao. I told you I would end this year with a big bang. That way, I’ll make a huge ass splash for the incoming new year by blowing shit out of the water. You don’t want to wait until New Year’s Eve to literally start your shit. Do it now. Prep up for it. Pre-heat that oven. Foreplay that shit.

Now, I’m still in shock. I’m still scared… so, I’m going to do some research and learn excel on YouTube and really go through the job description. It’s going to be fun because it’s in the field I want to be in: Graphic Design. Finally. At last. Don’t blow it. If you do, blow SHIT OUT OF THE WATER… and again, finally, I understand why I went through all those failures and experiences. It was to prepare me for this moment. Now, I thank God… and continue to create milestones based from my long-term plans and create these short-term plans by applying my One-Day-At-A-Time-SMART-goals Strategy in my life. Once you’ve balanced out your Mental Health, act as if you do not have a brain disorder, but always be aware that you do. Does that make sense? Like, I’ve mentioned in my blog prior this one: I’m not going to hide it. But, I’m not going to advertise it either…(Got this from “Jessica Jones”) I’ll most probably use this blog for self-improvement.. for the Bipolar. How to reach your dreams for the Bipolar. End stigma? By following your dreams… hmm…

What’s next for this ambitious young woman? 2016. Let’s just take it one day at a time… 🙂

All I know is, I’m finally at a job that I’m good at, that I love and something I’m confident in. I’m really excited. This fear, I will have to embrace and feel it until all thoughts of fear have been exhausted. That’s what Les Brown is for. And, last but not the least. Prayer. God. For me, it’s God. For you? I don’t know. It could be Buddha, Allah, Hercules, St. Augustine, the pope, or the universe… a higher power that you believe in. Just be grateful and give credit where it’s due. For me: It’s God. I get it now. It took a while… but now I get it. And now, I can finally say that I do not regret going through all those hospitalizations because without those and the residential treatment program, I wouldn’t have understood the concepts of what coping skills are, dbt, therapy, medication management, etc… all of these and more to prepare me for this moment so that I can maintain a better and best quality of life. I get it now. If I didn’t get all those rejections from those jobs, end up in the hospitalization from those jobs in Seattle, then I wouldn’t know how to be equipped and prepared for this job. And now that I am educated and enlightened… I know what to do from here both short-term and long-term and with this, I thank God.

And remember… don’t just go the extra mile. It should go without saying that you SHOULD NOT but COULD AND CAN go the extra mile and THEN SOME by BLOWING SHIT OUT OF THE WATER. GO PRO. Do your best… always by what? That’s right. By blowing shit out of the water. One day at a time, bitches… one day at a time… BLOW. SHIT. OUT. OF. THE. WATER.

Word count: A thousand shits in the water

DAY 19: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

No, I do not have schizophrenia. Yes. I do hear voices, but only when I get stressed out. They leave once I get back my health. If I don’t do the following:

Sleep

Eat

Get my period

Poop

Everything basic in reference to Maslow’s Theory

Relax

Medication

… and then too much caffeine

There is potential that I may end up in the hospital. I’ve been enough times to know when enough is enough.

I have Bipolar with mania. Add stress to that and one of the major symptoms that I have dealt with are auditory hallucinations. My life would be so, so, so much easier if I didn’t live in fear if I was going to “hear voices” today or tomorrow—depending if I met all my basic needs for the day or how much I have taken on in reference to my stress level. But, I can’t help but wonder, maybe it’s God’s way of taking care of me? Hey, I’m not a born again fanatic Christian that I once was. I don’t judge. You can be whatever religion (or no religion) that you want to be but I have always been a Christian. And you already know me, I cuss and shit but it doesn’t mean I don’t believe in something of a higher power. It is better to believe in something… than nothing. Faith is a beautiful thing. Anyway, it’s like an indicator. I’m hearing shit again, time to chill out and color a mandala. Fucking voices are here again. Time take a long ass bath. Time to sleep. Time to cut down my to-do list. If I didn’t have these as my symptoms, I can only imagine the things I could be doing. So, I guess, my fear isn’t just getting laid off? It’s the fear of having auditory hallucinations. The thing is… it’s fine to have ‘em because I know they’re not real, but they feel REAL. Outside and inside my mind. And the things they say SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME. They’re mean. They trigger my PTSD. They make me cry. They hurt my feelings and worst of all, they tell me that nobody cares about me and that I should just kill myself. But they all know That I will never, ever, EVER kill myself. Even they know that. These hallucinations seem real, but I would never kill myself because I believe in God. I have strong faith in God… therefore, I always say, I choose to live. I will to live. When I become suicidal, my team of professionals know and when I’m in the hospital and on high alert, no matter how suicidal, I will always speak up and say, “I choose to live. I will to live.” Because I do want to live. Suicidal thoughts aren’t me. They’re my illness. They’re not me. I am not bipolar. I have bipolar. Your illness does not define you. You define you. You have power over everything within you because you have greatness in you. Calling 911 is greatness in you. You have that power. In my case, I knew exactly how to take care of myself. My symptoms were out of control. Suicidal thoughts are part of the chemical imbalance. I knew exactly what to do. I called for help.

Even my auditory hallucinations tell me that I’m paranoid. Here’s the weird part. They care. They actually care about me, but in a mean way. They’ll teach me things, like how to be considerate about other people’s feelings and how to walk like a lady or to be original but then they’ll turn around and say mean things. They know my weaknesses and trigger my stressors until I cry and then they’ll tell me to kill myself. See, I need to take really good care of myself so I prevent having auditory hallucinations so that way, I won’t have to hear things like these and end up at such a vulnerable position where I’m in this lost state of mind. Thank God for hospitals. Thank God that I know when to call for help and when it is time to go to the hospital. I always delay in calling them because I feel it’s a failure in life, but I have learned that if that’s what it takes for me to learn, then so be it. Hospitalization after hospitalization. Recovery after recovery and finally, journey after journey derived from one milestone to another milestone, thanks to my theory of One Day At A Time, I am finally here. And, that is why I believe that it is God’s way of taking care of me. It’s him saying, “Hey, take it easy, or else you’re going to have auditory hallucinations. I don’t want you ending up in the hospital again.” And because of this, I made the most out of my stay from the hospitalizations. I learned as much as I could from the groups, the community meetings, my residency stay at the Oasis (treatment center transitioning from hospital to the real world), and from volunteering in non-profit organizations. So, that is why I have mixed feelings. I can’t help but wonder what it would be like not having hallucinations to keep me in check. Or just no having any mental illnesses. What it would be like to just hear a door slam and not feel anger, just to shrug it off and move on in a second. What would it be like to not have… well, actually, I’m doing really well. I really am. It’s just the fear of my auditory hallucinations. The rest, I’ve been able to manage… because of the support group of my team of professionals but I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to not have a bag of nuts. I would have the freedom to move to any city, any state and not have to worry so much about health benefits. I could just pick up… and leave. No worries. Just pick up and leave. And maybe God knows this… He knows that I’ll just go manic on my ass and spin out of control and end up sick so He decided, bam, hallucinations. Take it easy, Kel. You’ll get everything you want, you can spoil yourself with everything, all and more with what you want. You will… all you have to do is work hard, take it one day at a time, and be very, very, very patient… and have a little faith in Me.

And remember… don’t down stoop to anyone’s level. Be the bigger person… and rise beyond the situation.

Word count: 1.095

DAY 18: STOP. SLAMMING! DOORS!!!

I hate slamming doors. I get really angry when I FEEL the door slam. When I used to live in the Oasis during my residency, doors would slam left and right because people would leave their windows open in the afternoon because it would get so hot and that caused the doors to slam. It would slam so loud that I could feel the vibrations against my wall and it would rattle my door. The only reason why it pissed me off is because it scared the shit out of me and the only reason why it scared the shit out of me is because it was an unexpected startling event. And, the bottom line is: PTSD. People would slam doors in my past. I did. They did. We all did. For all reasons, all negative. Very dark. Very deep. Very painful. So, every fucking time you slam that door, I want to yell, scream, get up and yell, “STOP FUCKING SLAMMING THAT FUCKING DOOR” because it brings me all the way back to the deep, to the dark, to the painful. That’s the only reason I’m angry, because I can feel the heat rise from my back, creep up my neck and then all over my face. I can feel the warmth on my face and the startle just turns into pure ANGER. I don’t know if it’s a defense mechanism or what, but it makes me want to jump out of my bed, catch who the fuck that person is and tell them to fucking stop! I’m serious! I’m a really, really, really nice person and I am the last person you would think that would do anything rebellious, but I got so fucking pissed that I started slamming my door the whole night. I slammed that bitch so loud that the whole other wing of the Oasis heard it. They thought somebody got in an accident because at that same time, an ambulance parked outside the front of the building. It was just a coincidence but the resident nurse that evening asked what that noise was and I just looked around and acted just as perplexed as they did. Shit, I didn’t do shit, inconsiderate mother fuckers. It’s crazy how a trigger, a simple shutting of a door, a vibration, a bang, can bring a human’s heart fluttering to a fight or flight charge… that was me. It scared the shit out of me that I said, “FUCK!” Fuck… just fuck… Fuck. *shakes head* I just kept slamming that fucking door and the person who originally started slamming their door complained about my slamming. Mind you, I already complained the “proper way” and “adult” way by reporting it to the resident nurse but they never complied to my plea so with my frustration, “That’s it, I’ve had enough. I’m not getting any sleep tonight and neither is the rest of this hall way.” That was it and that was all. I’m old already. Don’t bring me all the way back to when I was 4… in the dark. In the deep. In the painful. Fuck you for slamming that door. I’ll come over there and slam your face right on that door knob, you inconsiderate fucking depressed old grumpy man. Get some professional help and get some anti-depressants!!! FUCK!!! Fucking hate people who have a mental illness or a medical condition and they don’t fucking do shit to help themselves and all they do is bring that negative energy around and it affects EVERYBODY around them. INCLUDING ME. I work so hard on my happiness, it fucking PISSES ME OFF that I have to put up with other people’s SHIT. How the hell did this … nevermind. Just… time to chill. *sigh*

Disclaimer: Yeah… I did not have the term “rise” in my vocab at the time I was at the Oasis… as you can already tell from my blogging.

CHANGE TOPIC QUICK!!

So, did I tell you about my first world problem today? Spanks got a run on them. Mm-hmm. Yes. Quite the tragedy. Did not wear those to the job interview. Mmmnope. Nope, nope, nope, nooooope, nope.

And remember… … go beyond and… RIIIIISE. SLAM and ditch.. kidding.

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Word Count: 687