IT’S TIME

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Alright, it’s time. This will be my last post. If you would like to follow me in my new wordpress site/blogs, please add your email address in the comment section and I will email you the link. Or, I can email you first. Mine is on the PS. I have 2 WordPress sites: The first is about my health (similar stuff like I have on this kelofduty site except I’m not going to advertise what I have… it’ll just be a part of the blog but not the main focus) and being well-rounded and then the other one is going to be about how I’m doing at work, steps to working on my job and career goals/dreams/plans– it’s more random and for me; how to break down the big goals into small ones and achieve them– tracking goals and plans. Motivation. Inspirational quotes. Sharing things I’ve learned from motivational speakers, authors… what story is behind the mandala I colored today. What blue means to me today and why did I pick gray rather than green… just incorporating everything. I want to share some quotes about getting things done, paste some info from YouTube on here of some amazing motivational speakers that I think would be helpful. Hopefully learn more about your story, too if I do find you on that site. So these sites are for me. It’s more of a necessary hobby because it’s therapeutic but it’s also very healthy for me. It’ll help keep track of my progress and raise my standards when I meet these goals, plans and expectations. I can’t make up my mind just yet, but I need to start writing again. I’m 19 days behind on it. It helps keep the focus on my goals and plans to help keep the inertia for the year and for my 10, 5 year goals and plans. Lots have happened this month already and I’m wanting to express these things. Kelofduty will be stagnant for a while, but as I grow in the other websites…yada yada yada. I’m thinking of creating them for motivation and mandalas. I just don’t know how to incorporate those two just yet. I’m just in the pre-contemplating stages as of now. Plus, I’ve been researching for mandala books that I want to color, and I just can’t fucking find the right style that I want and it’s frustrating me. I’m currently working on one right now and some of her shit, for an art therapist, isn’t cutting it. No offense to her shit, but it’s just not my style but it’s getting me by…

Alright, if you’re still interested in my ramblings and bitchiness, just comment me your email address and I’ll send you those links right away. I’m not going anywhere, I’m just changing links for my blogs and not using Kelofduty anymore– not until I create my own mandalas… like, later. And, if not, just email me first (*see PS for email addy).

Hope all of you are well, and are having a GREAT year so far. It’s only the 27th of Jan., so don’t give up. There is always tomorrow to start over again.

Don’t give up. Blow shit out of the water, always.

PS

If you don’t feel comfortable leaving your email addy here, you can email me first:

kelofduty at gmail dot com

DAY 28: TO HAVE THE BEST IS TO BE THE BEST

I’m a blogger, a logger, and a tracker. But, I’m sick right now. It’s like, there’s a second switch somewhere that says “FREEZE” and everything is just so cold that not even a heater can warm you up fast enough. Bitch. I can hardly swallow without feeling sand paper scratch my throat. My bladder’s acting up. My nose is stuffed. And, I feel weak and warm. There is one, huge thing that is happening as I speak that is wonderfully amazing: My New Job. And, I love it. There are too many variables, so I’m not even going to get into it. I just want to free write.

I think after I’m done with my 31-day writing challenge, I might change it up. I don’t think I’ll be writing about Bipolar, depression, or BPD and etc… I don’t know. I’m kinda’ over it. I want to talk about self-improvement and strategies to getting shit done and achieving goals or how I’m doing them. I want to use this blog to write about my random experiences in everyday life or write about what I’ve accomplished so far. *pursed lips* I didn’t quit. I’m just redirecting. Talking about my illness is just plain depressing. *sigh* I’m also slacking on my logging and tracking right now. I’m usually on top of that shit but today was my first day of work and I’m exhausted because I’m not feeling well so I’ll just have to catch up with everything this weekend. I have a 3-day weekend. I know, they love us over there. If I could blow shit out of the water in my interview, imagine the things I can do with the rest of my days…

Monday’s done. I rocked it. One day at a time. Traffic wasn’t bad. I fed myself. drank some tea. Laid in bed and kept warm. Tomorrow, I’ll make sure to dress warm-ER. Mm… I’m hungry. I think I’m going to have a bowl of oatmeal… with chocolate chips in it. Not the healthiest thing at night, and I know it’s not good for my throat so I’m going to gargle some salty water. And, again, I have no idea as to how I’m going to structure this. Self-improvement. Short stories of my real life. Tracking. Logging. Blogging.

Meditation, I’m half way there. 60 more days and I have to level it up to Level 2. Still don’t know what’s next.

I got some awesome gifts. Can’t wait to color them in, but I’m too sick to do that right now. I’m just going to not move as much as possible.

Then, there’s my charts and tracking. I haven’t touched them in a month.

*sigh*

So much for going consecutive all month, but it’s longer than the last month. I need to find a really good reward. I need to have something detailed. And, I think I’ll start ending my blogs with a quote. But, back on my rewards. The more challenging and more commitment needed in terms of intensity and time, the bigger the reward. Some thoughts on this…

A Mac Laptop, the latest. If I want to go to Graphic Design school, I have to have the best of the best. And, in order to have the best, you have to be the best. So, this will be a very good motivation for my 90-day-probation at work. I will start this…ASAP.

That’s it for now. I’m also thinking of a camera. A GOOD ONE. YouTube. But, it’s not going to be of me. Not yet, I think. I want it to be about creativity. Stuff I create.

To have the best. Be the best. – Kel of Duty

And, remember: Go pro and blow shit out of the water. If you don’t do it now… then the fuck when?

Word Count: 630

DAY 25 II: I THINK I’M GOOD FOR NOW

I’ve come up with some ideas. I still need at least 11 books for the next year if I’m going to read 1 book a month. That’s just a minimum to keep me straight and to stick to my goals. So, if I read 1 book a month, then that’s 12 books in a year. Those are going to be self-improvement, motivational books: confidence, success, finance, etc. I’m not sure yet. I have one already. I’m reading it right now, The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy. I’m going to read it again for January, 2016, but properly and take down notes and really follow what he says. Then, I have 11 months of self-improvement books. I did my research, but I haven’t come up with any so I’m going to have to wait until they come to me. I know I’ve been craving The Power To Unleash Your Inborn Drive by TD Jakes. It’s about following your instincts. So, that’s most probably counted as my 2nd. So, my minimum is 12, and since my new motto is to GO PRO and BLOW SHIT OUT OF THE WATER, because it’s either you go BIG or you go home, which I am NOT, then I’ll most probably double the number of books I will read next year and then some… so, 35 books. Minimum of 12 self-improvement (reread to apply in life) and then the rest can be like, Hunger Games (wanted to wait till it died down) and some cheesy shit, like Mad Love. That’s a really good novel. It already came out with the second part. It’s set in the Maldives, like the resort. Some hot chick in her twenties, graduated or was doing law in UCLA, and then she decided to do some soul searching because she’s an artist and ends up going to the Maldives with her best gay friend and his boyfriend. While she’s there, she meets the hottest guy she’s ever laid eyes on and the rest, you look it up. The setting is beautiful. Who wouldn’t want to read that during the cold seasons of the Pacific Northwest? I know, right? I read it last year around this time, too, when I was at the Oasis. Anyway, 35 it is.

I’ve also found some stuff to do for my 30-day, but I haven’t bombarded myself yet because I still have to solidify exactly what is on my wheel. I know there is finance, physical, spiritual, social, intellect (HUGE), etc… but I gotta’ really establish it. This month is all about that. Every day, every night and I only have 7 days left to do this. And, I’m supposed to be decluttering and since I can’t throw some of this shit away, I will have to carry it on to January, 2016, no later than that, and sell them on-line. Make a few moolas for MH and me. So far, this is what I came up with:

  • Create a tracking system on my finances (daily)
  • Watch make-up artists off of YouTube for a 30-day-challenge
  • Listen to Les Brown for 365-day-challenge while coloring Mandalas
  • Declutter (shit!)
  • Meditate (my 90-day-challenge will be completed on the 2nd week of Feb)- so I’ll have to level this up to Level 2 and find apps or check out some retreats on the weekends and see what the next steps are from there.
  • Smoothies 30-day-challenge
  • Modify my on-line tracker
  • Sell new fitbit and get a better/best fitbit
  • Motivational books (need 11 more) write them on my vision board where I can see the list
  • Walk 10 minutes a day for a 30-day-challenge, because I will start training for marathons for 2017 (it’s so I get my vitamin D in)
  • Gratitude one note a day about My Honey  365-day-challenge or until Thanksgiving 2016 for My Honey to read (write a note and put it in a jar daily)
  • List 5 things I’m grateful for a 30-day-challenge
  • List 3 things I’m grateful for a 365-day-challenge
  • This one is very important: Work. I’m going to create my own Work Evaluation worksheet. It’s to observe/analyze what my performance is like at work based on m performance, character, skill and growth as a contributor; how am I doing based on time management, project deadlines, creativity, etc.

I know… it looks a lot, but some of them are only for thirty days. Once they’re done, I’ll implement them into my life, such as a habit and then it becomes a no-brainer because they become second nature. It’s from The Compound Effect book, by Darren Hardy. It’s a small, easy to read type of book, but it’s mashed in sooooo much, intense substance that I can only read at least 5 pages at time a day, because I want to retain them and not miss out on ANYTHING. All I know is that these 30-day-challenges will be beneficial to my well being and the quality of my life. No more reality bull shit shows. It was a good experience for my first 30-day-challenge to watch though. Because now, I’m more grateful than ever– that I don’t live an ungrateful lifestyle like theirs. Oh, and of course, follow your dreams, turn them into SMART goals, take it one day at a time, and bam, got my dream job. So, that’s all for now. I gotta’ go back to my drawing board, or vision mission board and my wellness wheel to see which one needs 30-day-challenges like, Academics (go back to school for that Bachelor’s degree in Graphic Design), but break them down to the tiniest pieces by just taking one class. Introduction to Photoshop I. I already know Photoshop pretty well, but I’m starting over—fresh. But, that’s a tiny bite. Les Brown says, “A yard is hard,” but an inch… is a cinch. There you have it. Oh! And lastly, he said to memorize quotes daily. I’m thinking, I’ll just do one a week, put it up on my vision mission drawing board where I can see it and memorize it. Total that up in one year and that’s around 90 quotes in one year. Yep. It compounded into goal achievement. Bam. Ka-doink. The sound of an achievement off an xbox somewhere.

So, that’s what I’ll be doing for the rest of this year. Rounding up aaaaalllll this shit and organizing the yearly (365-day-challenges), monthly (30-day-challenges), tri-monthly (90-day-challenges- mainly about health to add as a habit- might be cooking), and then weekly for check-ins and then daily/evenings, just a quick review under 5 minutes a night. Sundays are the weekly check ups. I do half a year as well– well around that time. My New Year’s list or “resolutions” (such a fucking dumb word. Nobody keeps it.) I start mine on my Birthday, which is during the Summer. So, I start there. Then, in half a year, which is New Year’s time, I just do a check in. I’ve got my 5-year plan and off of that, I have my so-and-so-day-challenges. Okay, I’m good. See, without medication, healthy diet, some exercise, meditation and a splash of caffeine, I wouldn’t have been able to actually follow through where my dreams… become, literally a reality.

I’m excited. So, time to round up my well-rounded wheel and put all these down on a calendar and print out my calendars, write down some quotes on my vision mission/drawing board and buy some stickers from the Dollar Tree. I only skipped one night this month of meditation. That’s not bad. I’ve attached a photo to this blog. I think I’m good.

And remember, go BIG. You got no other choice. GO PRO… by BLOWING SHIT OUT OF THE WATER.

Word count: 1,180

DAY 25: IT’S PRETTY GOOD

No. No dad right now. He passed away from alcoholism in 2012. I still haven’t grieved for him yet. It still feels like he’s alive and he’s just there, retired at a resort, because that’s where he retired, at a beach somewhere. He drank his retirement away in a simple home at a beach somewhere. That’s all he wanted. That’s one out of a lot of things that MH (My Honey) and I have something in common with. His dad passed away in the same year, too. But, his was cancer. I don’t handle death very well. I don’t talk to about it. I avoid it when I hear about it because I’m an empath and feel very deeply and it hurts me more than the average person. Pets most especially, because my mom put my very first German Shepherd down when I was 12. We adopted her when we lived in the Middle East during the Gulf War. She was given to us by a Desert Rat, a soldier who we sponsored during Christmas. I still miss her. She was a good dog, but she was a free spirit. She dug up holes everywhere in the front yard, but that’s her thing. She was a soldier herself.

I haven’t cried in a while. I have had no suicidal thoughts. It’s nice. I like it. I’ve never felt more stable in years and I would like to keep it this way. One day at a time, Kel. But, it’s healthy to cry. Tears of joy is what I’m after. The Christmas gift that I have this year aren’t wrapped under the Christmas tree. They’re given to me, presented to me that are intangible. Love. I gave myself love, a new found respect of self-love for myself; a wonderful job with a potential growth for a career, a great relationship with MH and I have a roof over my head. I’ve got my car that I get to keep because of my job and my Wheel of Wellness can finally take off. Fly. This is the time of reflection. Exactly one year ago, I was in the Oasis and even then I was grateful. Even though I was there, it was still a great Christmas. I was amongst people who had schizophrenia, bipolar I/II, borderline personality, multiple personality disorder, dissociative disorder, depression, and in between and we were all in it together, but there were so many loving, kind, generous people that sacrificed their time with their families to be there for us. Peer counselors, therapists, people in the kitchen who cooked great meals and desserts for us, musicians, and the list goes on. The act of gratitude itself was a gift. And now, a year later, I’m here in my own bedroom, in my own cozy bed, listening to my music from my laptop at peace. There’s a lot of things to be grateful for and so, I am enjoying another Christmas at last. If it wasn’t for the program at Oasis, I wouldn’t have known how to see things in a new light. I would still have been stuck in a rut, in the dark, in a corner somewhere crying my eyes and grieving over nothing and not knowing where it was coming from.

I look forward to the new year. If this year turned out great, I can only imagine what my next year will be like because when I hit rock bottom and the Oasis nurtured me, there was nowhere else but up and onwards here I go…

Merry Christmas Eve, bitches… make it a good one.

And, remember, blow shit out of the water this Christmas and make every moment count. Because we only have one 2015 and that’s it.

Word Count: 599

DAY 19: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

No, I do not have schizophrenia. Yes. I do hear voices, but only when I get stressed out. They leave once I get back my health. If I don’t do the following:

Sleep

Eat

Get my period

Poop

Everything basic in reference to Maslow’s Theory

Relax

Medication

… and then too much caffeine

There is potential that I may end up in the hospital. I’ve been enough times to know when enough is enough.

I have Bipolar with mania. Add stress to that and one of the major symptoms that I have dealt with are auditory hallucinations. My life would be so, so, so much easier if I didn’t live in fear if I was going to “hear voices” today or tomorrow—depending if I met all my basic needs for the day or how much I have taken on in reference to my stress level. But, I can’t help but wonder, maybe it’s God’s way of taking care of me? Hey, I’m not a born again fanatic Christian that I once was. I don’t judge. You can be whatever religion (or no religion) that you want to be but I have always been a Christian. And you already know me, I cuss and shit but it doesn’t mean I don’t believe in something of a higher power. It is better to believe in something… than nothing. Faith is a beautiful thing. Anyway, it’s like an indicator. I’m hearing shit again, time to chill out and color a mandala. Fucking voices are here again. Time take a long ass bath. Time to sleep. Time to cut down my to-do list. If I didn’t have these as my symptoms, I can only imagine the things I could be doing. So, I guess, my fear isn’t just getting laid off? It’s the fear of having auditory hallucinations. The thing is… it’s fine to have ‘em because I know they’re not real, but they feel REAL. Outside and inside my mind. And the things they say SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME. They’re mean. They trigger my PTSD. They make me cry. They hurt my feelings and worst of all, they tell me that nobody cares about me and that I should just kill myself. But they all know That I will never, ever, EVER kill myself. Even they know that. These hallucinations seem real, but I would never kill myself because I believe in God. I have strong faith in God… therefore, I always say, I choose to live. I will to live. When I become suicidal, my team of professionals know and when I’m in the hospital and on high alert, no matter how suicidal, I will always speak up and say, “I choose to live. I will to live.” Because I do want to live. Suicidal thoughts aren’t me. They’re my illness. They’re not me. I am not bipolar. I have bipolar. Your illness does not define you. You define you. You have power over everything within you because you have greatness in you. Calling 911 is greatness in you. You have that power. In my case, I knew exactly how to take care of myself. My symptoms were out of control. Suicidal thoughts are part of the chemical imbalance. I knew exactly what to do. I called for help.

Even my auditory hallucinations tell me that I’m paranoid. Here’s the weird part. They care. They actually care about me, but in a mean way. They’ll teach me things, like how to be considerate about other people’s feelings and how to walk like a lady or to be original but then they’ll turn around and say mean things. They know my weaknesses and trigger my stressors until I cry and then they’ll tell me to kill myself. See, I need to take really good care of myself so I prevent having auditory hallucinations so that way, I won’t have to hear things like these and end up at such a vulnerable position where I’m in this lost state of mind. Thank God for hospitals. Thank God that I know when to call for help and when it is time to go to the hospital. I always delay in calling them because I feel it’s a failure in life, but I have learned that if that’s what it takes for me to learn, then so be it. Hospitalization after hospitalization. Recovery after recovery and finally, journey after journey derived from one milestone to another milestone, thanks to my theory of One Day At A Time, I am finally here. And, that is why I believe that it is God’s way of taking care of me. It’s him saying, “Hey, take it easy, or else you’re going to have auditory hallucinations. I don’t want you ending up in the hospital again.” And because of this, I made the most out of my stay from the hospitalizations. I learned as much as I could from the groups, the community meetings, my residency stay at the Oasis (treatment center transitioning from hospital to the real world), and from volunteering in non-profit organizations. So, that is why I have mixed feelings. I can’t help but wonder what it would be like not having hallucinations to keep me in check. Or just no having any mental illnesses. What it would be like to just hear a door slam and not feel anger, just to shrug it off and move on in a second. What would it be like to not have… well, actually, I’m doing really well. I really am. It’s just the fear of my auditory hallucinations. The rest, I’ve been able to manage… because of the support group of my team of professionals but I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to not have a bag of nuts. I would have the freedom to move to any city, any state and not have to worry so much about health benefits. I could just pick up… and leave. No worries. Just pick up and leave. And maybe God knows this… He knows that I’ll just go manic on my ass and spin out of control and end up sick so He decided, bam, hallucinations. Take it easy, Kel. You’ll get everything you want, you can spoil yourself with everything, all and more with what you want. You will… all you have to do is work hard, take it one day at a time, and be very, very, very patient… and have a little faith in Me.

And remember… don’t down stoop to anyone’s level. Be the bigger person… and rise beyond the situation.

Word count: 1.095