IT’S TIME

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Alright, it’s time. This will be my last post. If you would like to follow me in my new wordpress site/blogs, please add your email address in the comment section and I will email you the link. Or, I can email you first. Mine is on the PS. I have 2 WordPress sites: The first is about my health (similar stuff like I have on this kelofduty site except I’m not going to advertise what I have… it’ll just be a part of the blog but not the main focus) and being well-rounded and then the other one is going to be about how I’m doing at work, steps to working on my job and career goals/dreams/plans– it’s more random and for me; how to break down the big goals into small ones and achieve them– tracking goals and plans. Motivation. Inspirational quotes. Sharing things I’ve learned from motivational speakers, authors… what story is behind the mandala I colored today. What blue means to me today and why did I pick gray rather than green… just incorporating everything. I want to share some quotes about getting things done, paste some info from YouTube on here of some amazing motivational speakers that I think would be helpful. Hopefully learn more about your story, too if I do find you on that site. So these sites are for me. It’s more of a necessary hobby because it’s therapeutic but it’s also very healthy for me. It’ll help keep track of my progress and raise my standards when I meet these goals, plans and expectations. I can’t make up my mind just yet, but I need to start writing again. I’m 19 days behind on it. It helps keep the focus on my goals and plans to help keep the inertia for the year and for my 10, 5 year goals and plans. Lots have happened this month already and I’m wanting to express these things. Kelofduty will be stagnant for a while, but as I grow in the other websites…yada yada yada. I’m thinking of creating them for motivation and mandalas. I just don’t know how to incorporate those two just yet. I’m just in the pre-contemplating stages as of now. Plus, I’ve been researching for mandala books that I want to color, and I just can’t fucking find the right style that I want and it’s frustrating me. I’m currently working on one right now and some of her shit, for an art therapist, isn’t cutting it. No offense to her shit, but it’s just not my style but it’s getting me by…

Alright, if you’re still interested in my ramblings and bitchiness, just comment me your email address and I’ll send you those links right away. I’m not going anywhere, I’m just changing links for my blogs and not using Kelofduty anymore– not until I create my own mandalas… like, later. And, if not, just email me first (*see PS for email addy).

Hope all of you are well, and are having a GREAT year so far. It’s only the 27th of Jan., so don’t give up. There is always tomorrow to start over again.

Don’t give up. Blow shit out of the water, always.

PS

If you don’t feel comfortable leaving your email addy here, you can email me first:

kelofduty at gmail dot com

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DAY 25 II: I THINK I’M GOOD FOR NOW

I’ve come up with some ideas. I still need at least 11 books for the next year if I’m going to read 1 book a month. That’s just a minimum to keep me straight and to stick to my goals. So, if I read 1 book a month, then that’s 12 books in a year. Those are going to be self-improvement, motivational books: confidence, success, finance, etc. I’m not sure yet. I have one already. I’m reading it right now, The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy. I’m going to read it again for January, 2016, but properly and take down notes and really follow what he says. Then, I have 11 months of self-improvement books. I did my research, but I haven’t come up with any so I’m going to have to wait until they come to me. I know I’ve been craving The Power To Unleash Your Inborn Drive by TD Jakes. It’s about following your instincts. So, that’s most probably counted as my 2nd. So, my minimum is 12, and since my new motto is to GO PRO and BLOW SHIT OUT OF THE WATER, because it’s either you go BIG or you go home, which I am NOT, then I’ll most probably double the number of books I will read next year and then some… so, 35 books. Minimum of 12 self-improvement (reread to apply in life) and then the rest can be like, Hunger Games (wanted to wait till it died down) and some cheesy shit, like Mad Love. That’s a really good novel. It already came out with the second part. It’s set in the Maldives, like the resort. Some hot chick in her twenties, graduated or was doing law in UCLA, and then she decided to do some soul searching because she’s an artist and ends up going to the Maldives with her best gay friend and his boyfriend. While she’s there, she meets the hottest guy she’s ever laid eyes on and the rest, you look it up. The setting is beautiful. Who wouldn’t want to read that during the cold seasons of the Pacific Northwest? I know, right? I read it last year around this time, too, when I was at the Oasis. Anyway, 35 it is.

I’ve also found some stuff to do for my 30-day, but I haven’t bombarded myself yet because I still have to solidify exactly what is on my wheel. I know there is finance, physical, spiritual, social, intellect (HUGE), etc… but I gotta’ really establish it. This month is all about that. Every day, every night and I only have 7 days left to do this. And, I’m supposed to be decluttering and since I can’t throw some of this shit away, I will have to carry it on to January, 2016, no later than that, and sell them on-line. Make a few moolas for MH and me. So far, this is what I came up with:

  • Create a tracking system on my finances (daily)
  • Watch make-up artists off of YouTube for a 30-day-challenge
  • Listen to Les Brown for 365-day-challenge while coloring Mandalas
  • Declutter (shit!)
  • Meditate (my 90-day-challenge will be completed on the 2nd week of Feb)- so I’ll have to level this up to Level 2 and find apps or check out some retreats on the weekends and see what the next steps are from there.
  • Smoothies 30-day-challenge
  • Modify my on-line tracker
  • Sell new fitbit and get a better/best fitbit
  • Motivational books (need 11 more) write them on my vision board where I can see the list
  • Walk 10 minutes a day for a 30-day-challenge, because I will start training for marathons for 2017 (it’s so I get my vitamin D in)
  • Gratitude one note a day about My Honey  365-day-challenge or until Thanksgiving 2016 for My Honey to read (write a note and put it in a jar daily)
  • List 5 things I’m grateful for a 30-day-challenge
  • List 3 things I’m grateful for a 365-day-challenge
  • This one is very important: Work. I’m going to create my own Work Evaluation worksheet. It’s to observe/analyze what my performance is like at work based on m performance, character, skill and growth as a contributor; how am I doing based on time management, project deadlines, creativity, etc.

I know… it looks a lot, but some of them are only for thirty days. Once they’re done, I’ll implement them into my life, such as a habit and then it becomes a no-brainer because they become second nature. It’s from The Compound Effect book, by Darren Hardy. It’s a small, easy to read type of book, but it’s mashed in sooooo much, intense substance that I can only read at least 5 pages at time a day, because I want to retain them and not miss out on ANYTHING. All I know is that these 30-day-challenges will be beneficial to my well being and the quality of my life. No more reality bull shit shows. It was a good experience for my first 30-day-challenge to watch though. Because now, I’m more grateful than ever– that I don’t live an ungrateful lifestyle like theirs. Oh, and of course, follow your dreams, turn them into SMART goals, take it one day at a time, and bam, got my dream job. So, that’s all for now. I gotta’ go back to my drawing board, or vision mission board and my wellness wheel to see which one needs 30-day-challenges like, Academics (go back to school for that Bachelor’s degree in Graphic Design), but break them down to the tiniest pieces by just taking one class. Introduction to Photoshop I. I already know Photoshop pretty well, but I’m starting over—fresh. But, that’s a tiny bite. Les Brown says, “A yard is hard,” but an inch… is a cinch. There you have it. Oh! And lastly, he said to memorize quotes daily. I’m thinking, I’ll just do one a week, put it up on my vision mission drawing board where I can see it and memorize it. Total that up in one year and that’s around 90 quotes in one year. Yep. It compounded into goal achievement. Bam. Ka-doink. The sound of an achievement off an xbox somewhere.

So, that’s what I’ll be doing for the rest of this year. Rounding up aaaaalllll this shit and organizing the yearly (365-day-challenges), monthly (30-day-challenges), tri-monthly (90-day-challenges- mainly about health to add as a habit- might be cooking), and then weekly for check-ins and then daily/evenings, just a quick review under 5 minutes a night. Sundays are the weekly check ups. I do half a year as well– well around that time. My New Year’s list or “resolutions” (such a fucking dumb word. Nobody keeps it.) I start mine on my Birthday, which is during the Summer. So, I start there. Then, in half a year, which is New Year’s time, I just do a check in. I’ve got my 5-year plan and off of that, I have my so-and-so-day-challenges. Okay, I’m good. See, without medication, healthy diet, some exercise, meditation and a splash of caffeine, I wouldn’t have been able to actually follow through where my dreams… become, literally a reality.

I’m excited. So, time to round up my well-rounded wheel and put all these down on a calendar and print out my calendars, write down some quotes on my vision mission/drawing board and buy some stickers from the Dollar Tree. I only skipped one night this month of meditation. That’s not bad. I’ve attached a photo to this blog. I think I’m good.

And remember, go BIG. You got no other choice. GO PRO… by BLOWING SHIT OUT OF THE WATER.

Word count: 1,180

DAY 25: IT’S PRETTY GOOD

No. No dad right now. He passed away from alcoholism in 2012. I still haven’t grieved for him yet. It still feels like he’s alive and he’s just there, retired at a resort, because that’s where he retired, at a beach somewhere. He drank his retirement away in a simple home at a beach somewhere. That’s all he wanted. That’s one out of a lot of things that MH (My Honey) and I have something in common with. His dad passed away in the same year, too. But, his was cancer. I don’t handle death very well. I don’t talk to about it. I avoid it when I hear about it because I’m an empath and feel very deeply and it hurts me more than the average person. Pets most especially, because my mom put my very first German Shepherd down when I was 12. We adopted her when we lived in the Middle East during the Gulf War. She was given to us by a Desert Rat, a soldier who we sponsored during Christmas. I still miss her. She was a good dog, but she was a free spirit. She dug up holes everywhere in the front yard, but that’s her thing. She was a soldier herself.

I haven’t cried in a while. I have had no suicidal thoughts. It’s nice. I like it. I’ve never felt more stable in years and I would like to keep it this way. One day at a time, Kel. But, it’s healthy to cry. Tears of joy is what I’m after. The Christmas gift that I have this year aren’t wrapped under the Christmas tree. They’re given to me, presented to me that are intangible. Love. I gave myself love, a new found respect of self-love for myself; a wonderful job with a potential growth for a career, a great relationship with MH and I have a roof over my head. I’ve got my car that I get to keep because of my job and my Wheel of Wellness can finally take off. Fly. This is the time of reflection. Exactly one year ago, I was in the Oasis and even then I was grateful. Even though I was there, it was still a great Christmas. I was amongst people who had schizophrenia, bipolar I/II, borderline personality, multiple personality disorder, dissociative disorder, depression, and in between and we were all in it together, but there were so many loving, kind, generous people that sacrificed their time with their families to be there for us. Peer counselors, therapists, people in the kitchen who cooked great meals and desserts for us, musicians, and the list goes on. The act of gratitude itself was a gift. And now, a year later, I’m here in my own bedroom, in my own cozy bed, listening to my music from my laptop at peace. There’s a lot of things to be grateful for and so, I am enjoying another Christmas at last. If it wasn’t for the program at Oasis, I wouldn’t have known how to see things in a new light. I would still have been stuck in a rut, in the dark, in a corner somewhere crying my eyes and grieving over nothing and not knowing where it was coming from.

I look forward to the new year. If this year turned out great, I can only imagine what my next year will be like because when I hit rock bottom and the Oasis nurtured me, there was nowhere else but up and onwards here I go…

Merry Christmas Eve, bitches… make it a good one.

And, remember, blow shit out of the water this Christmas and make every moment count. Because we only have one 2015 and that’s it.

Word Count: 599

DAY 23: BLOW SHIT OUT OF THE WATER

Thank you notes for the 3 rounds of job interviews for the best company in the whole wide world. ❤ So happy. So Merry Christmas to me. 🙂


I just got back from making me some Pumpkin Spice Latte. Good shit. It’s this German instant coffee, but it’s legit brewed 100%. It has a great, super hit and no crash, and then I mixed it with some fatty milk (none of this 2%, 1% percent bull shit) and my Spice Latte creamer. I love Starbucks, but this tastes even better and I just saved myself 5 bucks.

I finally dropped off my thank you notes for my 3 rounds of interview to 4 of the interviewers for the company that I’ve been wanting to work for (for years). I can’t believe that I made it. I surpassed all those other candidates. “I can’t guarantee you the job but I can tell you that you are one of the top candidates. You made such a great impression on our team lead that we would like you to come in for our interview to meet our Design Manager.” Not only that. When I was done with my last interview which was with the Design Manager, she asked me if I had a few minutes to meet the VP. I had no water and my mouth was dry so I was literally swallowing dry and choking on dry. That’s the only way I can describe. It was pretty hilarious but I was nervous as FUCK. And now… It’s finally here. I made my dreams, one of them come true. This one is a huge one because the last time I’ve ever made my dreams come true and KEPT IT, was… never. I can’t really think of one right now. That will be a good blog to write about. My Haney is a dream come true but I’m talking about achievements. Hm… like not ever at the moment. So, this is my Christmas present for myself. And… I’m scared shitless because it actually came true. My dream came true. Now, I’m scared. What’s next from here? I know what to do because I have my One-Day-At-A-Time-SMART Strategy in place, but it still scares me. I’m grateful but at the same time, I’m scared because the past 3 years, I’ve been laid off, turned down by so many companies that I’ve interviewed for and then, finally, here I am… but, I think I know why. It’s because I have been rejected. So. Many. Fucking. Times. Do you know what that does to your fucking confidence after years? I never give up and I have the stubborn headed perseverance of a bull, but still, man. My confidence took a knock out from all the companies I’ve interviewed with. Thank you note after thank you note, man. Interview question after trick interview question. Fucking hated those. But, I get it now…without going through the intensive experiences that I went through from the job search, job interviews, hospitalizations and then finally being admitted to a residential treatment program, I wouldn’t have been equipped and prepared thoroughly enough for this moment. And, it’s not just a job or work. It’s something I’m good at. It’s something I’m passionate about. I LOVE what I do and then some. It’s something that can take off as a career.

I’ve gone through so many groups, community meetings, therapy sessions, hospitalizations, and rejections… I am better prepared for this opportunity. Imagine if I got hired by a company that was just so-so for me? I wouldn’t have been able to BE HERE, RIGHT NOW, to accept this job offer… and that’s why I went all out with my Thank You notes. Even my Haney said he’s never seen anything like it before in my life. The front desk office manager in the front said I was so sweet, twice. I made a mini gift basket with little treats in it and then a note in it. First of all, it’s been on my mind. I told myself if they were ever to give me the job offer, I’m making it all out, balls out so I made the gift basket. Second, it was a job interview, 3 rounds of it and I made it through—successfully. I kept it real this time. No bull shit. No pageantry answers with poise and posture, and bull shit. I left that bull shit behind. It worked for jobs that had “pay” in them but they weren’t something I was passionate about. Now THIS, I was so I kept it as real as possible. And third, ‘tis the Season, bitches… Big Bang, bro, Big Bang, whut nao. I told you I would end this year with a big bang. That way, I’ll make a huge ass splash for the incoming new year by blowing shit out of the water. You don’t want to wait until New Year’s Eve to literally start your shit. Do it now. Prep up for it. Pre-heat that oven. Foreplay that shit.

Now, I’m still in shock. I’m still scared… so, I’m going to do some research and learn excel on YouTube and really go through the job description. It’s going to be fun because it’s in the field I want to be in: Graphic Design. Finally. At last. Don’t blow it. If you do, blow SHIT OUT OF THE WATER… and again, finally, I understand why I went through all those failures and experiences. It was to prepare me for this moment. Now, I thank God… and continue to create milestones based from my long-term plans and create these short-term plans by applying my One-Day-At-A-Time-SMART-goals Strategy in my life. Once you’ve balanced out your Mental Health, act as if you do not have a brain disorder, but always be aware that you do. Does that make sense? Like, I’ve mentioned in my blog prior this one: I’m not going to hide it. But, I’m not going to advertise it either…(Got this from “Jessica Jones”) I’ll most probably use this blog for self-improvement.. for the Bipolar. How to reach your dreams for the Bipolar. End stigma? By following your dreams… hmm…

What’s next for this ambitious young woman? 2016. Let’s just take it one day at a time… 🙂

All I know is, I’m finally at a job that I’m good at, that I love and something I’m confident in. I’m really excited. This fear, I will have to embrace and feel it until all thoughts of fear have been exhausted. That’s what Les Brown is for. And, last but not the least. Prayer. God. For me, it’s God. For you? I don’t know. It could be Buddha, Allah, Hercules, St. Augustine, the pope, or the universe… a higher power that you believe in. Just be grateful and give credit where it’s due. For me: It’s God. I get it now. It took a while… but now I get it. And now, I can finally say that I do not regret going through all those hospitalizations because without those and the residential treatment program, I wouldn’t have understood the concepts of what coping skills are, dbt, therapy, medication management, etc… all of these and more to prepare me for this moment so that I can maintain a better and best quality of life. I get it now. If I didn’t get all those rejections from those jobs, end up in the hospitalization from those jobs in Seattle, then I wouldn’t know how to be equipped and prepared for this job. And now that I am educated and enlightened… I know what to do from here both short-term and long-term and with this, I thank God.

And remember… don’t just go the extra mile. It should go without saying that you SHOULD NOT but COULD AND CAN go the extra mile and THEN SOME by BLOWING SHIT OUT OF THE WATER. GO PRO. Do your best… always by what? That’s right. By blowing shit out of the water. One day at a time, bitches… one day at a time… BLOW. SHIT. OUT. OF. THE. WATER.

Word count: A thousand shits in the water

DAY 22: I QUIT

I still don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing with this blog. It’ll eventually come to me, but for now… I write. But, I do have some ideas to it… and I’ve finally crossed one off my list. I’m not going to hide my bag of nuts on my blogs, but I’ve decided that I’m not going to advertise it either so my life is not going to be about my illness anymore. It’s going to evolve when the 31 day writing challenge is over… it’ll most probably focus more on my thirty day challenges and how it’s affecting my life or the lessons that I learn from them. Right now, I’m doing Family Guy. The month before this, it was listening to motivational speakers like Jack Canfield, Darren Hardy and Les Brown, to name a few and before that, the first one that I did was Keeping Up With The Kardashians. It was the worst month of my thirty day experiment. All they did in their show was complain, complain, complain. Complained about each other, complained about their weight, complained about opportunities and they just complained about everything. They complained about things they didn’t have and things that they did have. This affected my thinking. I was ready to be done with it and when it was time to do motivational speakers, I was ready. So, I did motivational speakers and I would listen to them every, single day while coloring mandalas. Not even 8 days in and I was already seeing results. I was back to being grateful to things, accomplishing more, goals were shaved into SMART goals: specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time-sensitive goals. I went through a lot of changes in November that really helped me get through it, most especially because I get depressed during this Season. I was really scared that I would end up in the hospital again because I have in my past for years. I would get my shit back in order during Winter Season and then when April hits, it’s there again. I don’t know if it’s rapid cycling or if it’s just me being careless and not loving myself in a way where I’m not taking care of my basic necessities and allowing my stress to get to me. All I know is, I’m tired of having auditory hallucinations and now that I know how to target them (keep stress to a minimum), then I can focus on my goals. Mind you… NOT DREAMS, but plans, goals, vision mission. Solid shit that I can GET SHIT DONE. Dreams are nice. But they don’t get anything done. I have dreams, but as soon as they’re on paper, they’re not my dreams anymore. They are goals and plans that I follow on paper anymore. I follow my HEART… but yeah, dreams? Ha. Ever since I turned 35 this past year? And my dreams didn’t come true? I was like, fuck this shit, ima make this shit come true and one of them came true and now I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself. I’m scared shitless so I have to make some new challenges. Day to day challenges so I don’t just sit here and do jack shit like I used to do in my twenties. So, enter new year’s resolutions. I’m still thinking about it and in order for me or you to keep them, it’s really simple: Take it one day at a time. That’s my weapon. Actually, stickers help a lot. I print out my calendar, make it a thirty day thing, get some cute stickers and then post it on there. You don’t want to see a day skipped because it looks awesome when you have 7 stickers in a row. It works for me when I am doing my 90-day meditation. I am on my 35th day of meditation already. I’ve skipped a few, but it still looks good. Once the 90 days are over, I’ll have to see what’s next from there. Do I find a meditation retreat? Do I buy a meditation app, like a legit one that you purchase so it has more substance to it. Do I research and have a mentor? You level up. You don’t want to just stay there. And that’s what I’ve learned from… my past. I really reflected and realized that once I accomplished a tiny goal, like I’ve said, I got comfortable and then I would crash and fail. After failure, after failure, after hospitalization, after hospitalization, I’ve finally realized that once you’ve reached that milestone, that goal, that plan, that DREAM that has been written down AS A milestone, a goal, a plan, A WRITTEN DREAM—DO NOT STOP THERE. DON’T. STOP. THERE. That’s what I learned and since my dreams didn’t all come true at the age that I expected it to be, at 28, I’m all balls out now. It’s on, now. It’s never too late to follow your heart, your dreams and make them into a reality because TIME WILL PASS ANYWAY. That’s what Earl Nightingale said. Anyway, I’ve been thinking and I do not do New Year’s Resolutions but if you want to do one, make it easy. Do what I did. I said “Never to poke back anyone on Facebook anymore.” I’ve been successful because it’s so easy. If you don’t know how to find a resolution, make a five year plan, pick one out of your wheel: financial, physical, mental, health, intellectual, talent, emotional, partnership, family, spiritual… and then stick to it. How? Calendar that shit up and do it elementary way—STICKERS. Print calendars from Word, customize it like I did with mine and buy stickers from the Dollar Tree store. They have thumbs up stickers there. They’re cute. The only thing I use New Years for are check-ins. Have I been doing my New Year’s Resolutions? And what I mean by that is, have I been keeping up with my decisions. Because, I do my New Year’s Resolutions on my BIRTHDAY. Every 6 months after my Birthday and New Years, I do a check-in: How is my yearly, my 6 months, monthly and weekly and how are these reflected from my daily and then I ask them through my well-rounded wheel of financial, physical, mental, health, emotional, relationship, family, spiritual, etc. Yeah…. There IS a lot. It takes practice.

So for this December, I’m doing Family Guy. And, I’m doing some thinking of my well rounded wheel because I have 12 months ahead… That’s 12 thirty-day challenges that I can accumulate and a couple 90-day challenges as well. For my 365 day challenge, I have already decided to do Les Brown. Out of all the motivational speakers, he is the one I want to listen to because he doesn’t try to drop names or sell you anything. I will listen to his shit on YouTube, find podcasts, read his shit on his website, leave no rock unturned on his site, read all his books and I will invest on stuff I can buy from him that I can view or listen to. If I can afford to go to a seminar, I’m doing it. Then, I will level up and find myself a good life coach who believes in the direction that I believe in with Les Brown, but that’s my goal for 365 days. If you challenge yourself and say I have a 365-day challenge versus “I have a new year’s resolution to quit smoking or I want to lose weight and I’m signing up for the gym”… what’s the probability of you sticking to it? *shakes head* That’s just my view. Anyway, so I have my 365 day patted down. I have 11 months left of good stuff. My January will be… hm… not sure yet since Les Brown is already the whole year. For sure, I’m going to check my wheel and do finance. Do something daily about money. Maybe I’ll do something related to art. Watch some do it yourself shit. There’s a lot of options but at least I did the 365… I’ve already come up with some ideas:

Color Mandalas.

I’m thinking of creating some, too. Like, serious ones both free hand, guided with rulers, AND use Illustrator and then give these away for free. I don’t know if this blog will evolve to that or I’ll have an Art Blog. I’m really not sure. I don’t know if I’ll continue on the path of doing a blog about my mental health. I really don’t know. I do know that I have a lot of stories to share when it comes to like… hallucinations, struggles of being in and out of hospitals… I’ll just keep writing and see how it goes till the end of the thirty one day challenge on this thing.

Declutter

Meditate

Smoothies

Track quantification

Motivational books

Walk 10 minutes a day

Gratitude List

Gratitude Jar for my honey and life

So the declutter is going to end this year. I have very little boxes left, but I need a whole month next year where I’ll focus on it and really get rid of EVERYTHING. It’s hard for me because they’re all memories or things that I could use in the future, but it’s okay. I’ll just buy new stuff. Like, my dres are awesome. They still sound good, but if I let those go… imagine the new shit I can buy for new beats? Right?

Meditation. Well, that’s going to be a part of my lifestyle. I’ve already made this a challenge project so I don’t think I’ll make this another one next year. It’ll be a given that it’s incorporated in my life. That’s the reason why they’re in my day to day challenges. It’s to eventually create habits, compound these into goals. When you add all these small minutes, over time… it makes a big difference.

Smoothies. I’ve been thinking about this. But, I’m also thinking about my diet in terms of cooking and eating. I’m always stuck on this because it’s so fucking overwhelming. So… I don’t know yet. I’ll have to do some research. Maybe I should do like a daily challenge of like… cook something every night but it can be the same recipe for the whole week then the next week, a different one, and then the last week, combine all three… hm… then I can just do the smoothies some other time. Another month.

Track Quantification. I have a fitbit. I was going to sell it. I might sell it and just get a newer and better version. I am a logger. I love tracking everything from sleep, to what I drink, to what I spend… because towards the end of the year or months, I like creating graphs out of them and then painting them with acrylic into a masterpiece because it’s fun. You’re painting your life with what you’ve “intake”’d in. I love data analysis. I’m a research analyst… so a massive amount of data from research is very fulfilling and satisfying for my brain. I love it. It’s good stuff.

Motivational books. It’s time to get back to reading books. I LOVE reading. I just haven’t had the time but now that I have day to day challenges and they seem to work for me?… shit, I don’t even know where I got this idea but it works. Um… that reminds me. I’m going to buy a camera and start vlogging. But, it’s going to be off line. It’s for me to check in everyday if I’ve been keeping up with my well rounded wheel. I’m doing this for the quality of my life, my happiness, to feel good, to be happy, to make the most out of life. Anyway, I’ll be doing maybe, five pages a day? It’s not much but if you add all those five pages a day for 31 days…? It’s a book. Then you do this for 12 months? It adds up yo. So, I’ll focus on some motivational books next year. I don’t know if I’ll be reading any fiction. I need to focus on one genre because I have to have focus. I noticed that I am more on the intellectual side because I am focusing from within and then it’ll go outwards. Meaning, working out and running is also on my list. I’m ready to prepare for a marathon but my first marathon will be in 2017. I have to take it easy and do it slow so one of the things that’s going to be on my day to day challenge is walking every day for 31 days. Just 10 minutes a day, and yes, you got it, add those and it becomes hours… miles. That’s the whole point. I read this off the Compound Effect by Darren Hardy. Plus, this is part of my mindfulness as well. I think I’ll do this for January but I’ll always be doing a thirty day challenge intellectually by watching/reading something. Les Brown’s the foundation.

Gratitude. I have 2. This one will also be a 365 day thing, but I think I want to focus on a thirty day challenge where I write 5 things that I am grateful for. I usually do 3 things daily. But just for 30-31 days, I’ll do 5 things to be grateful for and for the rest of the year, it can be 3. I’m just jump starting my habit. Then the one I’m excited for is for my Honey. I’m going to design a big ass jar. I learned this from Darren Hardy as well. I’m going to design a big ass jar, and every day, I’ll get a tiny piece of paper and write down one thing that I am grateful for my Honey every, single day for the whole year. Then, I’ll present this to him on Thanksgiving 2016. So when all of this solidifies, the goal is to be naturally grateful every, single day. Daily, at least 3 things to be grateful for, which is after my 5 things to be grateful for thirty day challenge.

Where did I get all these ideas? Well… it isn’t going to be for a year. I’m building this up to prepare me for my forties. This is part of my 5-year plan and entering to my 10-year plan. That’s why new Year’s resolutions are bull shit because it’s a new “year”, meaning 1 year. That’s only 12 months. It takes how many days to get into the groove of things, and by the time you do, it’s already the end of the year. You gotta get momentum going… So… I got these from my five year plan and have broken them down to yearly and into day to day… ONE DAY AT A TIME daily challenges.

Done.

And my New Year’s Resolution? If I had one? Is a saying in my head…

I QUIT!… I quit quitting. I’m going to continue blogging for the next five years. I’m going to be working on this blog but I want it to focus on my passions. Join the ride if not, thank you for stopping by. It’s not for everyone. But, it’s definitely a great outlet for me.

And, I’m going to get myself a wrist band that says, “Blow shit out of water.” And, “Go pro”. This’ll remind me to always go beyond and RISE to the occasion. It means do your best, always go beyond the extra mile. Meaning, don’t just go the extra mile—go BEYOND THAT AND THEN SOME. Hm… maybe I should add that on there.

And remember, kids. Go pro and go beyond. RISE.

Word Count: Shit out of the water… and beyond.

DAY 19: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

No, I do not have schizophrenia. Yes. I do hear voices, but only when I get stressed out. They leave once I get back my health. If I don’t do the following:

Sleep

Eat

Get my period

Poop

Everything basic in reference to Maslow’s Theory

Relax

Medication

… and then too much caffeine

There is potential that I may end up in the hospital. I’ve been enough times to know when enough is enough.

I have Bipolar with mania. Add stress to that and one of the major symptoms that I have dealt with are auditory hallucinations. My life would be so, so, so much easier if I didn’t live in fear if I was going to “hear voices” today or tomorrow—depending if I met all my basic needs for the day or how much I have taken on in reference to my stress level. But, I can’t help but wonder, maybe it’s God’s way of taking care of me? Hey, I’m not a born again fanatic Christian that I once was. I don’t judge. You can be whatever religion (or no religion) that you want to be but I have always been a Christian. And you already know me, I cuss and shit but it doesn’t mean I don’t believe in something of a higher power. It is better to believe in something… than nothing. Faith is a beautiful thing. Anyway, it’s like an indicator. I’m hearing shit again, time to chill out and color a mandala. Fucking voices are here again. Time take a long ass bath. Time to sleep. Time to cut down my to-do list. If I didn’t have these as my symptoms, I can only imagine the things I could be doing. So, I guess, my fear isn’t just getting laid off? It’s the fear of having auditory hallucinations. The thing is… it’s fine to have ‘em because I know they’re not real, but they feel REAL. Outside and inside my mind. And the things they say SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME. They’re mean. They trigger my PTSD. They make me cry. They hurt my feelings and worst of all, they tell me that nobody cares about me and that I should just kill myself. But they all know That I will never, ever, EVER kill myself. Even they know that. These hallucinations seem real, but I would never kill myself because I believe in God. I have strong faith in God… therefore, I always say, I choose to live. I will to live. When I become suicidal, my team of professionals know and when I’m in the hospital and on high alert, no matter how suicidal, I will always speak up and say, “I choose to live. I will to live.” Because I do want to live. Suicidal thoughts aren’t me. They’re my illness. They’re not me. I am not bipolar. I have bipolar. Your illness does not define you. You define you. You have power over everything within you because you have greatness in you. Calling 911 is greatness in you. You have that power. In my case, I knew exactly how to take care of myself. My symptoms were out of control. Suicidal thoughts are part of the chemical imbalance. I knew exactly what to do. I called for help.

Even my auditory hallucinations tell me that I’m paranoid. Here’s the weird part. They care. They actually care about me, but in a mean way. They’ll teach me things, like how to be considerate about other people’s feelings and how to walk like a lady or to be original but then they’ll turn around and say mean things. They know my weaknesses and trigger my stressors until I cry and then they’ll tell me to kill myself. See, I need to take really good care of myself so I prevent having auditory hallucinations so that way, I won’t have to hear things like these and end up at such a vulnerable position where I’m in this lost state of mind. Thank God for hospitals. Thank God that I know when to call for help and when it is time to go to the hospital. I always delay in calling them because I feel it’s a failure in life, but I have learned that if that’s what it takes for me to learn, then so be it. Hospitalization after hospitalization. Recovery after recovery and finally, journey after journey derived from one milestone to another milestone, thanks to my theory of One Day At A Time, I am finally here. And, that is why I believe that it is God’s way of taking care of me. It’s him saying, “Hey, take it easy, or else you’re going to have auditory hallucinations. I don’t want you ending up in the hospital again.” And because of this, I made the most out of my stay from the hospitalizations. I learned as much as I could from the groups, the community meetings, my residency stay at the Oasis (treatment center transitioning from hospital to the real world), and from volunteering in non-profit organizations. So, that is why I have mixed feelings. I can’t help but wonder what it would be like not having hallucinations to keep me in check. Or just no having any mental illnesses. What it would be like to just hear a door slam and not feel anger, just to shrug it off and move on in a second. What would it be like to not have… well, actually, I’m doing really well. I really am. It’s just the fear of my auditory hallucinations. The rest, I’ve been able to manage… because of the support group of my team of professionals but I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to not have a bag of nuts. I would have the freedom to move to any city, any state and not have to worry so much about health benefits. I could just pick up… and leave. No worries. Just pick up and leave. And maybe God knows this… He knows that I’ll just go manic on my ass and spin out of control and end up sick so He decided, bam, hallucinations. Take it easy, Kel. You’ll get everything you want, you can spoil yourself with everything, all and more with what you want. You will… all you have to do is work hard, take it one day at a time, and be very, very, very patient… and have a little faith in Me.

And remember… don’t down stoop to anyone’s level. Be the bigger person… and rise beyond the situation.

Word count: 1.095

DAY 18: STOP. SLAMMING! DOORS!!!

I hate slamming doors. I get really angry when I FEEL the door slam. When I used to live in the Oasis during my residency, doors would slam left and right because people would leave their windows open in the afternoon because it would get so hot and that caused the doors to slam. It would slam so loud that I could feel the vibrations against my wall and it would rattle my door. The only reason why it pissed me off is because it scared the shit out of me and the only reason why it scared the shit out of me is because it was an unexpected startling event. And, the bottom line is: PTSD. People would slam doors in my past. I did. They did. We all did. For all reasons, all negative. Very dark. Very deep. Very painful. So, every fucking time you slam that door, I want to yell, scream, get up and yell, “STOP FUCKING SLAMMING THAT FUCKING DOOR” because it brings me all the way back to the deep, to the dark, to the painful. That’s the only reason I’m angry, because I can feel the heat rise from my back, creep up my neck and then all over my face. I can feel the warmth on my face and the startle just turns into pure ANGER. I don’t know if it’s a defense mechanism or what, but it makes me want to jump out of my bed, catch who the fuck that person is and tell them to fucking stop! I’m serious! I’m a really, really, really nice person and I am the last person you would think that would do anything rebellious, but I got so fucking pissed that I started slamming my door the whole night. I slammed that bitch so loud that the whole other wing of the Oasis heard it. They thought somebody got in an accident because at that same time, an ambulance parked outside the front of the building. It was just a coincidence but the resident nurse that evening asked what that noise was and I just looked around and acted just as perplexed as they did. Shit, I didn’t do shit, inconsiderate mother fuckers. It’s crazy how a trigger, a simple shutting of a door, a vibration, a bang, can bring a human’s heart fluttering to a fight or flight charge… that was me. It scared the shit out of me that I said, “FUCK!” Fuck… just fuck… Fuck. *shakes head* I just kept slamming that fucking door and the person who originally started slamming their door complained about my slamming. Mind you, I already complained the “proper way” and “adult” way by reporting it to the resident nurse but they never complied to my plea so with my frustration, “That’s it, I’ve had enough. I’m not getting any sleep tonight and neither is the rest of this hall way.” That was it and that was all. I’m old already. Don’t bring me all the way back to when I was 4… in the dark. In the deep. In the painful. Fuck you for slamming that door. I’ll come over there and slam your face right on that door knob, you inconsiderate fucking depressed old grumpy man. Get some professional help and get some anti-depressants!!! FUCK!!! Fucking hate people who have a mental illness or a medical condition and they don’t fucking do shit to help themselves and all they do is bring that negative energy around and it affects EVERYBODY around them. INCLUDING ME. I work so hard on my happiness, it fucking PISSES ME OFF that I have to put up with other people’s SHIT. How the hell did this … nevermind. Just… time to chill. *sigh*

Disclaimer: Yeah… I did not have the term “rise” in my vocab at the time I was at the Oasis… as you can already tell from my blogging.

CHANGE TOPIC QUICK!!

So, did I tell you about my first world problem today? Spanks got a run on them. Mm-hmm. Yes. Quite the tragedy. Did not wear those to the job interview. Mmmnope. Nope, nope, nope, nooooope, nope.

And remember… … go beyond and… RIIIIISE. SLAM and ditch.. kidding.

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Word Count: 687